by Patrick CannonBy Patrick Cannon

In the past two years of writing for TheFanDC.com, I have received many emails. Most of them are an extension of the comment section — insults, threats, baseless defenses of RG3, grammatical atrocities, etc.

But every now and then a message comes through with a great question or comment and those folks deserve recognition. Accordingly, this is your inaugural Cannon Fodder Mailbag. And if you have a question for a future mailbag, please submit it to Cannon1067@gmail.com

Who is the Kanye West of DC sports? An insufferable person but a brilliant talent: Bryce Harper, Desean Jackson, or other? Bryce Harper has a reputation for being that way but all DC homers know that’s a bogus profile painted by uninformed national pundits. –TJ, Southeast

Failing a psychiatric evaluation is a prerequisite to qualify as a “Kanye West.” Not only would an athlete need to be elite in their sport, they would also need to boast arrogance that they are equally talented in all facets of life. Kanye believes that Mark Zuckerberg should give him a billion dollars to fund his communications company DONDA that will specialize in everything from “wave power” to “emoticon auto correct.”

That would be the equivalent of Desean Jackson blaming his fumble in the Dallas game on having butterfingers from cooking his world famous honey buns. “No way would I have fumbled if I wasn’t busting it in the kitchen all day cooking up these life-saving honey buns, now if y’all could head over to my GoFundMe page, we could put this Little Debbie broad out of business once and for all.”

Currently, the only truly insane athlete in D.C. is Jonathan Papelbon, but he lacks the entrepreneurial haughtiness required to be worthy of the Kanye crown.

There is only one person in D.C. sports who deserves a Kanye comparison and it pains me to say it because he just finished the most competent season in his tenure. If there is a Kanye in D.C. sports it has to be Dan Snyder, who for a decade plus thought that being an NFL fan and a shrewd millionaire businessman qualified him to be a football genius. Fortunately, Snyder seems to have learned some lessons after two decades of media backlash, let’s hope it doesn’t take Yeezus that long.

“How many goals would the Caps need to be up in a clinching game against the Rangers in the playoffs for fans to feel comfortable? 7? 8?” – Brian, Baltimore

The largest playoff comeback in NHL history is 5 goals. With that said, I’ll set the comfort level at 12 goals. Knowing the Caps playoff history, even being up a dozen would make me nauseous in a clinching game.

Despite this regular season domination, Caps postseason paranoia is at an all-time high. The Caps face an impossible situation over the next 8 weeks — they somehow need to stay focused and find a way to peak in April, despite having almost nothing to play for before then. All the while, fans will be holding their giblets every time Holtby sprawls or Ovechkin hits the deck.

When experts start penciling your team in for the Stanley Cup finals four months ahead of time, it pretty much assures that you’ll be whimpering “but, but, this was supposed to be our year” into your tear-filled beer glass.

I really don’t want to live in a world where the best hockey player alive never gets his name on the Cup.

Which Best Picture nominee represents each of D.C.’s sports teams? – DB

The Martian – Wizards. Specifically, the story of John Wall — One man, left to fend for himself in a lifeless place, in the prime of his life, with no help from those who were supposed to support him.

Mad Max: Fury Road – Redskins. The story of a band of renegades finally overtaking a power-hungry dictator sounds about right. I think Immortan Joe and Dan Snyder charge the same price for water.

The Revenant – Capitals. I am confident that Ovechkin could survive alone in the wilderness with only a bear skin, and he will have his vengeance.

The Big Short – Nationals. An all-star cast telling an embarrassing and depressing story that we have heard before.

Brooklyn – D.C. United. I would have to use Google to find out who was in this movie; similarly most D.C. sports fans would need Google to name one player on the United roster.

Would you rather have the Wizards miraculously make the playoffs this season, over perform their way to the East Finals, and have their innards emptied by Cleveland, or, continue to meddle around .500 and miss the playoffs? Losing is obviously never ideal but if this team misses the playoffs it would be considered a huge disappointment and may result in Grunfeld, and possibly even Wittman, being canned which is likely best for this franchise moving forward. – Tyler, Bowie

Give me disembowelment by King James, please. The NBA playoffs are fun and I could use a refresher on my hatred for LeBron.

The prospect of sending Grunfeld and Wittman packing sounds great in theory, but in practice I don’t trust the powers that be to replace them with anyone better. We aren’t bringing in Phil Jackson or Coach K, so I’ll wait and take a new coach the second we can use it as a bargaining chip to attract the right free agent.

Is KD’s high school coach available?

Randy Wittman spent so many years as an assistant coach for mediocre NBA teams that I think he has mastered the craft of doing just enough to not get fired. He hasn’t done anything miraculous since taking over the Wizards as interim head coach in 2012, but he somehow always ends the season on a high note with the false promise that next year is the year the team will take the next step.

He doesn’t butt heads with players or media, he just kind of exists. The team looked all but dead before the All-Star break, but something tells me this is exactly what Wittman wants.

Everyone counts the Wizards out for the second half of the season, they sneak into the playoffs as a 7 or 8-seed, and Wittman can then sell what was supposed to be the second or third best team in the East as a Cinderella story.

I have nothing redeeming to say about Ernie Grunfeld. God help us if we end up with 2016 lottery pick.

What is wrong with Melo Trimble?

I ran a poll with this question on Twitter and the results were as follows:

28% -Playing with an injury
28% – Case of the yips
44% – When is the NBA draft?

The truth is probably a mix of these three answers along with all of the other pressures that come along with championship expectations and NBA draft stock. Trimble takes as much contact as any point guard in the country and it wouldn’t surprise me if he is playing through an injury or two. He’s been off his game for more than a month now and his stock is plummeting on draft boards — that’s millions of dollars disappearing, you’d be playing tight too.

Trimble and Stone were expected to play up to their top-10 draft pick potentials and neither has hit his stride.

Would I take a disappointing March to get them both back in College Park next season? Of course, but I’d say Stone has about a 10% probability of returning and Trimble coming back would be a miracle.

Whatever is wrong with Trimble, he has three weeks to get it straight. This team will only go as far as he takes them. Anything less than the Sweet Sixteen would be an underachievement for Trimble and the Terps, and in all likelihood, the Terps will be back on the outside of the Top 25 next season.

Which guy with a weird skunk spray of gray in his hair has been worse at his job this season, Mark Turgeon or Ross from Friends playing Robert Kardashian in the OJ Simpson documentary? – Chris, Silver Spring

It has to be Turgeon; at least we get to laugh at Ross every time his voice cracks saying, “He’s still Uncle Juice!” to the little Kardashian kids. I can’t remember the last time Turgeon made me smile.

I’m beginning to fear that Turgeon may be the inverse of Gary Williams: A masterful recruiter, but a terrible coach. Gary’s best talent was getting guys to play above their skill level. After years of wishing that he would recruit we end up with a coach who recruits but can’t get the most out of his guys.

Bottom line, college basketball is crap-shoot and the Terps may never win another title — this only makes me more appreciative of Gary and Juan’s magic in 2002.

For real though, that gray hair streak thing is called poliosis. The more you know.

Since Kirk Cousins doesn’t know when to take a knee, do you think he proposed to his wife standing up?

I like that, but it turns out he did take a knee. It might be Snyder dropping to a knee next when he realizes the check he will be cutting for Cousins’ new contract.

Do you have your own question for Patrick? Email him at Cannon1067@gmail.com. Follow Patrick and 106.7 the Fan on Twitter.

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