Dear Colin Cowherd,
Congratulations on your “promotion” from ESPN to Fox Sports. While the details of your departure from ESPN are still emerging, I am sure you are handling the transition with the grace and class that has defined your media career.
You were too good for those stiffs over at ESPN anyhow. They simply couldn’t understand the genius that comes naturally with an Eastern Washington education and years of grinding on the mean streets of the Pacific Northwest.
I wanted to write you to pass along a warning that some of your colleagues (haters) may try to drag you down on your way out the door. Don’t let those measly journalism majors tell you what’s P.C. and what isn’t! You speak for the herd people, Colin. Those jealous fools just don’t have the stones that you do. They don’t have the expertise it takes to bash the dead, to judge a person’s character with a passing glance, to use other people’s words as their own, or to arbitrarily destroy the lives of lowly bloggers.
Yes, it is hard to believe, but some of your contemporaries might try to bad mouth you upon your exit – you can chalk it up to bitterness. You and I both know that ESPN employees are always scrambling to get away from the Worldwide Leader in Sports for a taste of that sweet F1 racing and professional bull riding action that only a pioneering network like Fox can bring you. Your ceaseless wit and soothing tones will be right at home on the Fox networks. I already came up with an idea for a cultural awareness show starring you and Rush Limbaugh I am going to pitch to Mr. Murdoch this afternoon.
Everyone knows that you are thick-skulled-skinned, Colin, but you can never be too prepared when the backstabbing and insults start flying. Accordingly, I have prepared a list of some of the insults you might hear from those thug detractors of yours over the next few weeks. Let me apologize for D.C. ahead of time, a disproportionate amount of these insults will likely emanate from the area — you really did ruffle some feathers with those Sean Taylor and John Wall comments.
“Colin Cowherd is a race-baiting blowhard who only makes headlines with incendiary commentary that borders on bigotry.” This is a blanket statement that you have been hearing in various forms over the years. You already know how to deal with this. Just repeat back to them that you have also spoken negatively about Johnny Manziel — this totally repudiates any race-baiting you have ever done.
I bet you are wondering why this race-baiting dialogue keeps coming up in your career. I am not an Eastern Washington scholar, but I will try my best to break this down. Let’s take the murder of Sean Taylor, for example. Personally, he was my favorite football player of all time — he played the game with an intensity this generation of football had never seen, he never quit on a play, game, or teammate. Off the field, he was a loyal boyfriend to his high-school sweetheart and was doing his best to raise a beautiful baby girl who meant the world to him. Sean Taylor never got along well with the media. He was an introvert. I’m sure the concept of being an introvert eludes you as a radio superstar. Being an introvert entails actually worrying about the words that come out of your mouth and not constantly seeking to mask your insecurities with validation from strangers.
Nothing about Sean Taylor, the person, mattered to you though. All that mattered were a handful of incidents in his past. Incidents which you presumed turned him into Tony Montana. So, when four idiot teenagers broke into a house they thought was empty and murdered Sean Taylor, as he tried to protect his girlfriend and baby, you claimed that his past had brought this upon himself. You then went on to say that Redskins fans who mourned him were not “grownups”. When I heard your wisdom, I finally stopped crying.
You weren’t done there. When pushed on the insensitivity of your comments and Sean Taylor’s turnaround off the field, you said, “Well, yeah, just because you clean the rug doesn’t mean you got everything out. Sometimes you’ve got stains, stuff so deep it never ever leaves.” That’s true, Colin. Some people do have things in their lives that negatively affect them forever, and this is another thing I wanted to warn you about; someday people may begin to use your own inflammatory tactics against you.
For instance, let’s say someone looked into your past and found that you were a broken boy from an early age, that you played Wiffle ball alone in the backyard and wondered why the world was such a cruel place. Divorce is a difficult thing for any child to deal with. Let alone eight divorces. That situation could have had a lasting negative impact on a mere mortal but not you, Colin. When those haters say that you became the contrarian knob that you are today because your parents broke your trust and shattered your world at an early age, you just tell them that Colin got tough and became a grownup early.
You don’t need to apologize for the past, but you already know that. When all of the details of Sean Taylor’s murder had been made clear — completely invalidating your comments — you didn’t apologize, you stood by your lunacy, like a “grownup.”
Speaking of grownups, you were you right about John Wall. That kid isn’t going anywhere in the NBA with his childish me-me-me dancing act. Who could argue with your statements questioning his leadership and maturity? Perhaps if his dad was around when he was a kid he would be a leader by now, but like you have said time and time again, childhood and upbringing define everything. Most people aren’t able to become exemplary members of society like you after a turbulent childhood. John Wall isn’t fooling anyone with all of those charitable actions, selflessness on and off the court, and his work ethic — you know a bad seed when you see one. Deep carpet stains, right?
Speaking of work ethic, some people may still be salty that you criticized Dan Patrick’s work ethic. No one understands sports radio like you, Colin. Although you have been mystifyingly propped up by ESPN for your entire career, you are about to show Mr. Patrick, and the rest of the world, what hustle is all about. I can’t wait to hear what you have to say now that you are free from those tightwads at ESPN.
Now that you are away from ESPN I am sure you will be free from accusations such as, “Colin Cowherd is a flaccid p—- shaft of a man with a syphilitic soul who is paid handsomely by ESPN to spew racist and sexist and otherwise trash opinions over TV, radio, and the internet on a daily basis.” That blogger was probably just upset with ESPN, his sentiments don’t seem personal at all.
Or perhaps that blogger was just mad at you for your history of attacking blogs out of boredom. ESPN gave you a spanking for that one, didn’t they? Boy, will they miss you now. Who would want to work for a network that doesn’t even allow you to go around arbitrarily targeting people and crippling their infrastructure?
Here are a few other defamatory, fact-based comments you will likely hear repeated during your ESPN exodus: “He steals jokes.”
“Cowherd bashed a dead wrestler before his body was cold.” So you blamed another athlete for his own death? If you think about it, aren’t we all responsible for our own deaths? I am certain Eddie Guerrero and WWE fans will be quick to forgive and forget.
Haters may also bring up the old story about you loving Oregon because of “all the white people.” These are the crazy times we live in, Colin. A guy can’t even publicly prefer a state because of its racial composition without a little backlash.
I think what I am trying to say with this letter is that people just don’t realize how difficult it is to get up every morning and spit these hot takes. They don’t appreciate your craft. They probably tell you that someone with “integrity” would look into the facts before they spew insulting comments, but facts are always getting in the way of a good hot take. This is what they teach in Hot Takes 101: don’t let the facts get in the way of a good take.
Don’t change now, Colin. Keep the unfounded proclamations coming. Never let it be about the facts —the world needs to know how your gut feels. There is no time for facts or apologies in sports media. Some may say that this career change is the first step in your inevitable dissent into obscurity. Some would even go as far as equating your disappearance from the sports landscape as a step in the right direction for our country as a whole. Haters are going to hate.
Your friend and admirer,
A satirical D.C. sports fan
Follow Patrick’s satire on Twitter @RubGun and email your tips, takes, and topic suggestions to firstname.lastname@example.org.