WASHINGTON (CBSDC) — This week I had planned on keeping up the tradition of grading the Redskins after each quarter of the season.
When I sat down to write that article, I could not wrap my mind around what had taken place since the overtime victory in Dallas on October 27th. What is left to grade? The entire franchise is failing from top to bottom. Everyone gets an F, and you are getting held back a year.
Oh, sorry Tress Way. You are a BOSS. When your team is running ad campaigns for your punter to be your sole Pro-Bowler, how close are you to the bottom?
I challenge you to find a more devastating four-game stretch in Redskins history than these past four games.
Of course, we have had abysmal seasons in our past but this has to be the bottom. It appears as though this team is headed for a second straight 3-13 season. Prior to 2013, the Redskins had only gone 3-13 once (1994). To find a worse season you have to go all the way back to 1961; leather helmets, black and white TVs, 14 NFL teams, no Super Bowl.
What is worse for Redskins fans in 2014 than 1961? I’m glad you asked. Here is a list off the top of my head:
1. Daniel Snyder owns the football team now. George Preston Marshall was a horrible bigot and he will be waiting for Snyder in hell so that they can compare notes.
2. Our mascot is racist now.
3. This year we realized that our biggest gamble in franchise history somehow developed in reverse like Benjamin Button. Have to admit, RG3 will make for one hell of a middle school flag football player in a few years.
4. Consistency at coach and QB: In 1961 we had Norm Snead who we would develop and trade three years later for Sonny Jurgensen. We have had 23 different starting QBs over the past 23 seasons. From 1961 to 1992, we had seven coaches. We are currently on our seventh different coach since 2000.
5. Stadiums: 1961 was the Redskins first season in RFK. In 2014, the Redskins play in an oversized, nightmarish hellscape, with a labyrinth-like parking lot, located in Landover, Maryland. On the bright side, tickets are going for $4 this week which is same price you would pay in 1961.
6. We had a guy who wore the number zero in 1961. At least we admitted who we were then.
7. Defense: In 1961 Jim Haslett was six-years-old. Jim’s mom would say “Aww, look at little Jimmy, letting all of the kids go in front of him in line. Oh Jimmy, no covers on your bed? That’s weird but okay.” Little did Mrs. Haslett know the monster she was creating. That was a fictitious anecdote. Here is a fact: in 1961 our defense played 12 games and caused 41 turnovers. This year through 13 games our defense has caused 15.
8. Offensive line: They sucked in ’61 as well. The difference is that back then you just tried to block the guy in front of you. Spit on him, kick him in the shin, tell him a story, anything, just please get in his way. Today’s team, with the schemes Gruden is trying to coach, combined with our lack of skill, technique, and effort, results in our offensive line being less effective than five traffic barrels. I can’t count the amount of times that a man has gotten to our quarterback untouched. It has to be an NFL record.
9. Media has expanded since 1961, so you cannot escape the suck now. In 1961, you could turn off your radio, throw out your TV and cancel your Washington Post subscription and be done with it. In 2014, the Redskins incompetence is everywhere. Every radio station, sports channel, website, and co-worker is constantly reminding you of your ill-fated decision to support this team. And don’t forget the added bonus of this franchises’ biggest failure trying to sell you a 6” meatball sub and life insurance during every commercial break!
10. Snyder will never sell the team. Modern medicine guarantees that someone as wealthy as Snyder will outlive most of us. If you are over 50, I suggest you start spending your Sundays playing with your grandkids, reading a book, or mowing the lawn. You will probably never see another Super Bowl. Does anyone believe that true change is possible with Snyder as the owner? Back in ’61 you could at least root for George Marshall to get typhoid, whooping cough or a snake bite.
Are we close to the bottom? Have you given up? Is anyone still watching this crap?
If I had a time machine here are the three things I would do: 1) Kill Hitler 2) Go see the dinosaurs and 3) Do whatever it took to prevent Snyder from buying this team and ruining my favorite team in sports.
Where do we go from here? There are four games left in the 2014 season. Hopefully, the 53 men left standing on this team go out there auditioning for their futures. No one’s job should be safe in 2015.
I’ll keep watching because I think I am addicted to the suffering, but damn if it doesn’t get tougher each year.
Follow Patrick on Twitter @RubGun and send your e-mail, questions and topic suggestions to firstname.lastname@example.org.
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