by Chris 'Blue Shorts' Lingebach

WASHINGTON (CBSDC) — It’s been awhile since the website has seen a substantial Lurch’s dog update (aside from him considering allowing the dog to pee in his neighbors’ yard), and in the last two weeks, there have been some startling developments.

First, about two weeks back, Valdez, citing a source close to the king, uncovered a bombshell about how Lurch plans to obtain a crate for Luka — the Dutch Shepherd he rescued from the Washington Animal Rescue League — which, if he goes through with it, may be the most unscrupulous act he’s committed to date.

Valdez: Alright, well you know how Jason just got Luka, his beautiful new dog? Well, what he’s doing is, he doesn’t want to pay for a dog crate, a brand new dog crate.

Lurch: Oh, jeeze. You just make stuff up.

Valdez: So he’s asking all of his boys if they’ll hook him for a dog crate.

EB: You’re kidding.

Valdez: It’s $80. It’s $80 a dog crate.

EB: Eighty dollars?!

Valdez: And the, I believe the quote is, ‘I don’t want to pay for that ess.’

Short of begging for handouts, Lurch is also considering training his dog in the German language, which is pretty cool. As he explained last week, he had a trainer visit his home to experience first-hand what commanding a dog in German may be like.

“The guy came over to the house for ninety minutes,” Lurch said.

“And we talked, and I asked him a bunch of questions,” he said. “His dogs were actually in the car, and he brought his dogs out into my yard. And the one dog, it’s like a Belgian, I want to say Malamute, but that’s wrong — it’s Belgian Mal or Maul, or something like that; it looks like a shepherd — and that thing sat there, my dog’s going crazy on the leash, barking and trying to jump on it.

“That dog just sat there, looked up at his master, and then the master said something like ‘Walwoumph,’ and that thing got up, and went right into the truck. I mean he didn’t flinch, he just listened to him. He was just staring at his master. And I said, ‘If you can make my dog do that, I’m just gonna bow to you.’ ”

You might be thinking: ‘Why would anyone want to train their dog in another language?

Well, as Lurch would explain, it’s actually a rather clever way of training your dog to be uniquely responsive to your commands, while avoiding confusing the dog when, say, at the dog park, when other dogs and their English-speaking dog owners are around, barking orders at each other, so to speak.

Fast-forward to the 7-minute mark for that story.

Listen: JP/Bruce the Hugger ‘I Believe’ Chant Remix


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