by: Blue Shorts

There are people with shame in this world, and then there’s me. And this is my true story.

Imagine wanting something so bad, for so long.

One day you close your eyes, snap your fingers and there it is … in the flesh. Literally.

Asa Akira – in town to headline Fantasies Nightclub in Baltimore, Friday, Feb. 15 and Saturday, Feb. 16 – simply put, is my Eleanor and I would stop at nothing to capture just a moment of her time.

Luckily the Junkies arranged for a full hour.

Akira, 28, is absolutely stunning and her story is fascinating.

Here it is:

Book store clerk-turned dominatrix-turned porn star.

During her visit she demonstrated some of the prerequisites required for two of those jobs … and she wasn’t labeling any books.

“Shorts has got to barely contain himself because he’s so into Asian women,” EB said.

“If you just saw her on the streets would you come up and ask her if she’d be a dominatrix?” JP asked.

“No, if I saw her on the streets I’d run away because I’d be terrified,” I ruined the show by talking.

Next, the Junkies got her vital statistics.

This is where JP did what JP does and made it awkward.

“So, you’re 5’1”. How much do you weigh if you don’t mind me asking?” JP asked.

“105,” the goddess answered.

“I mean, she’s tiny. Do you have underwear on?” JP leaned towards creepy.

“Uhhhh. I do have underwear on,” she responded nervously.

“What do you want to see her butt?” EB interrogated.

“I was going to tell her to take off her pants,” JP said with the upmost social grace.

“Oh my Godddddd!” Everyone.

Gallery: Asa Akira Shares A Moment With Blue Shorts

Anyways, I hate writing about myself so here’s what happened:

She took off most of her clothes, then I took off mine. Everybody left the room and we consummated our marriage.

Alright, that’s not quite what happened.

She bent me over, smacked my [redacted], made me scream bloody murder, then wrapped a dog collar around my neck, walked me around the studio, then had me bark like a dog, take commands – including but not limited to drinking water from a bowl on the floor and maybe eating dog food – as she hovered over me like my mother. What?

Not that abnormal, really. Who else needs a shower?

Now that those banal details are out-of-the-way, that’s when the show finally began.

Can somebody say ‘Lap dance’?

Then we all went home and never talked about this again.

I’d like to take a moment to commit to the thankful bit. This was the brainchild of Matt Valdez, to whom I am absolutely thankful for helping my realize my longtime dream of touching an Asian porn star with my fingers.

Follow him on Twitter and you’d be insane not to follow her.

Also, for the love of bits go buy a lap dance from her at Fantasies.

Trust me. It’s worth it.

Tell me how much I ruined the show here.

Unrelated: EB Drove Home Without Brakes