TALE OF THE TAPE

Cleveland Browns In The Playoffs Vs. Chances Of Seeing A UFO

The Cleveland Browns have become the perennial laughingstock of the NFL. Without fail, each year they drag their loving, loyal fans to deeper and darker corners of despair. Some manage to stick through it. Some try to ignore it. But no matter how you slice it, Cleveland regularly puts out a big pile of stink each and every year.

So, that got us wondering, what’s more likely this year: a Browns playoff appearance or a UFO sighting?

Let’s go to the tape…

Cleveland Browns Playoff
UFO Sighting
(credit: Matt Sullivan/Getty Images)
(credit: EVARISTO SA/AFP/Getty Images)
(credit: Matt Sullivan/Getty Images)
(credit: EVARISTO SA/AFP/Getty Images)
Last Time It Happened
2002. Wait, really? Huh. How about that.
Winner May 11th, 2011 in Pretoria, South Africa. Interestingly, the most recent time before was also in Pretoria, on July 21, 2010.
Yeah, But Did It REALLY Happen?
Winner Apparently, it’s happened 28 times.
They say they have photographs of orange lights, but, come on. We’re skeptical until proven otherwise.
Will It Happen Again?
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOPE
Winner Well, this assumes it’s happened before. But you’ve gotta believe that in a spiraling, infinite universe full of infinite possibilities, somewhere out there, in one of the myriad multiverses, there is intelligent life that will one day visit us and say – “Hello.”
What's More Enjoyable?
Fans will likely be more heartbroken over the inevitable Wild Card loss than excited for their sneaking into the playoffs. We suspect there is no joy here, even in victory.
Winner If it’s anything like the movies, you’ll be poked, prodded, cut open, and experimented on. But at least those wounds heal. The spiritual wounds of being a Browns fan…probably don’t.
Reaction To It Happening?
Winner GUUUUUUUU OUR 29 YEAR OLD QUARTERB- I can’t believe it, I NAHNAHNAH oh god, we’re gonna HNNNNNG! *inaudible grumbling*
Winner HNNNNG! I gotta – there’s a light! Someone! You don’t under- oh God, they’re gonna: HEY CALL THE PAPER! I hmmm HNNNNG! *inaudible grumbling*

The Winner Is

(credit: EVARISTO SA/AFP/Getty Images)
Winner UFO Sighting
4 out of 5

You heard it here first. With a score of 4 to 2, a UFO sighting takes it over the Cleveland Browns. But hey, don’t worry, Cleveland folks. You can still rest easy knowing the rest of your pro teams are pretty great, right?
-Brian Cullen, CBS Local Sports contributor

MORE TALES OF THE TAPE

  1. Members of the New England Patriots celebrate with the Vince Lombardi Trophy after defeating the Seattle Seahawks 28-24 in Super Bowl XLIX. Recording artist Katy Perry performs onstage during the Pepsi Super Bowl XLIX Halftime Show.
    Was Super Bowl XLIX Or Katy Perry’s Halftime Show More Exciting?

    I don’t usually watch Super Bowl halftime shows. But when I do, it has Katy Perry. How did her performance measure up to the game?

  2. New England Patriots head coach Bill Belichick talks to the media during a press conference Sunset over water
    More Shocking, Bill Belichick Not Aware Of Deflated Footballs Or Sun Setting In West?

    The sun sets in the west every day. But is that more shocking than Bill Belichick claiming ignorance in Deflate-gate?

  3. Tom Brady #12 of the New England Patriots (Photo by Jim Rogash/Getty Images) Russell Wilson #3 of the Seattle Seahawks (Photo by Otto Greule Jr/Getty Images)
    Which Team Has The Super Bowl Edge? New England Patriots Vs. Seattle Seahawks

    The Patriots have managed to outsmart both the Ravens and Colts with trick plays in the postseason, and the Seahawks will have to be on high alert here.

See All Tales of the Tape
Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 2,943 other followers