Hater’s Guide to the Modern-Day Super Bowl (Part II)

by Patrick Cannon
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Seahawks Patriots helmets staged for Pete Carroll and Bill Belichick joint interview

(Photo credit: TIMOTHY A. CLARY/AFP/Getty Images)

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Editor’s Note: This is Part 2-of-2 of Patrick Cannon’s “Hater’s Guide to the Modern-Day Super Bowl.” Read Part I here.

WASHINGTON (CBSDC) — The Super Bowl sucks (cont’d).

The venue – When you play in New Orleans, the lights go out. When you play in New York, the commute sucks, and weather is the story. No disaster so far from Arizona, but I am fully expecting the retractable field at University of Phoenix Stadium to malfunction and force the game to be played in an empty parking lot. Actually, I’m rooting for this.

The fans at the game – Patriots fans have been diagnosed with something called “Super Bowl fatigue” resulting in tickets this year falling to the lowest price in five years (approximately $2,800 per seat).

The average NFL fan cannot afford to attend the Super Bowl. I’m sure that about 10% of people who attend the game are good old-fashioned folks who saved up or sold their first-born for a ticket, but for the most part the people in the stands are corporate folks who haven’t seen the outside of a club-level seat in their lives. This results in a game day atmosphere more similar to Thursday at Augusta than the most important NFL game of the year.

Celebrities – We don’t care who they are rooting for, but NBC believes we do. They are already crushing life in every conceivable way. Does their team really need to win the Super Bowl on top of it all? This year it will be the Chris Pratts versus the Ben Afflecks. Unless they show up in character as Burt Macklin and Fred O’Bannion, respectively, I do not want to see them on Sunday.

Kickoff time – 6:30PM EST. Just the right time for all the children of the East Coast to throw tantrums simultaneously as the fourth quarter begins.  Throw in the fact that the game will take a cool five hours to play and you can expect to get in bed around midnight.

The Super Bowl should be played on Saturday night.

The game itself – At least the game isn’t on Fox this year, otherwise half the camera angles would be drone-operated, plaguing the entire nation with motion sickness. It’s only a matter of time before they are strapping GoPros to every player, ref, and pylon.

The Super Bowl always seems like a copy of the game it is meant to be. There are too many TV timeouts and needless delays. Rarely does the excitement seem as genuine as it does during the rest of the playoffs and by the time the confetti drops America is ready to tap out.

The announcers – We could do worse than Al Michaels and Cris Collinsworth, who sound like John Madden and Howard Cosell compared to most announcers from other networks. However, the reason I hate the Super Bowl announcers is because they always broadcast as though they just walked out of a week-long brainwashing session in Roger Goodell’s basement.

You will never hear one controversial statement or critique of the NFL, only adoration. A bit of grandstanding is to be expected on such a global platform, but I hate the feeling that the announcers are being prodded to sanctify the NFL.

There is also no excitement from the announcers. Until they can find a way to combine Mike Turico and Gus Johnson, we are stuck with emotionless NFL puppets.

BUT, who cares about the announcers because you’ll be at a Super Bowl Party – the worst place imaginable to actually enjoy a football game. Your annual cast of characters includes: people who haven’t watched a game all season, children, a vegan who is judging you, drunk guy, struggling comedian guy, “we need more pizza” guy, the angry gambler, the person who comments on every commercial, two girls debating which quarterback is cuter, and so many more people who want to do anything other than actually watch the game.

With all that said, the one thing I hate more than the Super Bowl is the day after the Super Bowl. Not because of the heartburn, the grease-stained shirt, or the Tom Brady Disney World commercial; it’s because even the most insufferable of NFL Sundays beats a Sunday without football, and for all the next 27 weeks that’s what we face. The thought of a return to Sundays at the Farmer’s Market and Home Depot sends a shiver up my spine. Oh well, at least we are all undefeated on Monday.

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