Lurch’s laughably bad gambling luck has filtered into his stock portfolio.
On Tuesday, he revealed his investment into Intercept Pharmaceuticals — which he bought in at $100 — has taken a precipitous dive, all the way down to a $61.23 valuation.
EB: [Listeners are] asking about your pharmaceutical company.
Cakes: Blake Bortles Pharmaceuticals?
EB: What was it at, at one point?
EB: And you’re still in?
Lurch: Well, what am I gonna do?
EB: Well, you don’t have an out? You don’t have like a target out, like a low?
Lurch: The target out is one dollar.
EB: Oh, really? I’ve done that bit before. I’ve done the bit where you go down with the ship. So hold on, what did you buy it at? You bought it at $118?
Lurch: No, no. I bought it at $100. It went up to $118. Remember, I was crowing every day?
Cakes: Hey, you know what? Everybody has losers in their portfolio. They just do.
Why the stock has plummeted is equally funny.
Lurch: When you make drugs that like damage your liver, you’re probably going to take a hit on your stock price.
JP: Why don’t you invest in what you know, like Tito’s?
Lurch: No, because I guarantee, Tito’s, someone would die from drinking Tito’s. And I would be caught with 100 shares of Tito’s and I would get crushed.
Lurch Papa, you’ll recall, made money in sports betting over the weekend fading himself.
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Lurch: I’ve lost half. I’m done.
EB: So you’re just willing to lose it all?
Lurch: There’s a chance it might go back up. If it goes back up 20 percent, maybe I sell then. I’ve got no… luck with it.
Cakes: Your Andrew is terrible!
Lurch: My Andrew is awful.
EB: I would get out. Your Andrew is so bad. You’re the worst Andrew.
Lurch: I’m so bad. Why can’t I just get hooked!
I’ve theorized that, considering Lurch’s horrendous track record in sports gambling led to arguably his greatest blowup ever, he could be on track for another on-air meltdown with the right amount of continued bad luck.
It wouldn’t be the worst idea for listeners to start pestering Lurch about his record…
Lurch: So just to recap: Intercept Pharmaceuticals has dipped $57. Fifty-seven dollars in, essentially, a month. Bought it at $100. Went up to $118. Now it’s at $61.23. Because… a drug that they make, that is supposed to treat liver cancer, apparently hurts the liver.
Lurch suggested that Cakes contacts his own financial broker for advice about whether to buy into Intercept at a bargain rate.
“You know what? I’m having a face-to-face with him next week,” Cakes said. “I will ask him about Blake Bortles Pharmaceuticals during our lunch.”
“And you’re calling it Blake Bortles because it’s Intercept,” Lurch said.
“Yes,” Cakes confirmed with a laugh.
“Deshaun Watson Pharmaceuticals,” Lurch said.