An Attempt to Translate Bruce Allen’s Statement on Kirk Cousins

WASHINGTON — What a mess. Not many people expected Kirk Cousins and the Redskins to come to terms on a multiyear contract before Monday’s deadline, and they didn’t.

But it’s hard to picture a scenario in which the Redskins come out looking a whole lot worse than they now do.

As a fun little exercise, let’s take a look at the Redskins’ statement, courtesy of team president and de facto GM Bruce Allen. I’ve bolded some of the more telling parts of the official statement.

After discussions with Kirk face-to-face over the weekend, I want to clarify our negotiations for this year. Kirk is obviously important to our team and fans, and they deserve to know where things stand.

Our goal was to sign Kirk to a long-term contract with the final objective of having him finish his career with the Redskins.

On May 2nd, right after the draft, we made Kirk an offer that included the highest fully guaranteed amount upon signing for a quarterback in NFL history ($53 million) and guaranteed a total of $72 million for injury. The deal would have made him at least the second highest-paid player by average per year in NFL history. But despite our repeated attempts, we have not received any offer from Kirk’s agent this year.

Kirk has made it clear that he prefers to play on a year-to-year basis. While we would have liked to work out a long-term contract before this season, we accept his decision. We both share high hopes for this season and we are looking forward to training camp starting next week. And we remain hopeful that a long-term contract will be signed in the future.

Now, let’s translate those bolded phrases:

…they deserve to know where things stand” — “We’re really just trying to make sure we’re being perfectly transparent about this situation, because that’s what our fans deserve. No, we’ve never been transparent about issues in the past, as most recently exhibited by the disastrous, drawn-out firing of our respected GM, which finally came to a merciful end mere hours after free agency began. But now we’re being transparent. Trust us.”

Our goal was to sign Kirk to a long-term contract…” — “Really, we were the ones who wanted to get a deal done. We were being totally fair and honest and not trying to insult the best quarterback this franchise has seen in decades. Really. Good intentions. Honest.”

…we made Kirk an offer…” — “Did we mention that we were the ones who were trying to get this deal done and Kurt Cousins had no interest in playing ball?”

…the highest fully guaranteed amount upon signing…” — “Hey, look at these shiny words!”

“…at least the second highest-paid player by average per year…” — “I didn’t have time to do any research as to what other players make, so this seems right.”

But despite our repeated attempts, we have not received any offer from Kirk’s agent this year” — “We try and we try, but no matter what, they just won’t listen to us. We’ve mentioned that we have a long history of being transparent and doing what’s best for the team and the fans, right?”

Kirk has made it clear that he prefers…” — “Blame Kurt!”

…we would have liked to work out a long-term contract” — “But only if we had total control over everything and Kurt didn’t actually have any long-term security.”

Welcome to the Redskins, where everything’s made up and the words don’t matter.

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