If Browns fans are RG3’s new girlfriend, Skins fans are his ex-wife. We write to you today with a warning: don’t fall in love.
Whether they admit it or not, everyone in Washington watched what RG3 did last night — the laser-rocket arm, the breakaway speed, the passion — it reminded us of a happy time in our lives.
We remember when he treated us well. Lavish gifts, lovable slogans — our first year together was amazing.
As we watched the faces in your crowd smile and cheer, we saw the hope that RG3 once brought to us. Please learn from our mistakes, Cleveland. No one wants to see their friends get hurt. You used to be our sister city of sports misery. Until this summer you were our reminder that things could always be worse as sports fans. Now, when we see you, we barely recognize you — there is this disturbing air about you, which I believe scientists refer to as happiness.
Don’t let the euphoria of your basketball championship blur your vision. Soul-crushing reality is coming for you. This season’s dose will be brought to you by the freshly rebranded RG3, now playing in an offense “built to his strengths.”
I know that things probably seem pretty great right now. You’re coming off a relationship with a drug addict (Johnny Football) and now you’ve found a nice man who quotes the bible and seems to say all the right things. And he looks the part, too. We’ll admit that nobody looks better in mesh shorts and a helmet than RG3, especially without the knee brace. Until the games matter, it will be nothing but smiles and promises. That’s when you’ll begin to realize your new man is a big hat with no cattle.
The important thing for you to know is that you can’t fix him. He’s always been this way, and he’ll always be this way. The only consistency in Robert Griffin III’s life is delusion.
He and his entire family are oblivious. We all know about him bringing his daddy into the locker room, but did you know when he came to Washington his mother reached out to a director at the best sports radio station in D.C. about doing her own radio show? How well do you think that would have gone for both of them? Your new man is delusional because he comes from a delusional environment.
Choosing Cleveland tells you all you need to know about RG3. There were systems that better suited his skill set, places where he could have worked on his weaknesses and possibly rebuilt his career over time, but he wanted to be a starter immediately and Cleveland offered him the path of least resistance. His faith in himself exceeds comprehension.
He is a man who needs instant gratification and constant attention. He’s repeating the same things he said to us during our first year together, when we thought they were cute and special. His slogan for 2016 is a repeat of one of his earlier works, “No Pressure, No Diamonds” — a bit on-the-nose for a guy who just filed for divorce, wouldn’t you say?
Think about that saying for a second. It is supposed to imply that success is forged, not promised. Yet, RG3 came into the league believing that his work was already done. When we asked him to change he scoffed at us and told our coaches how to coach.
Speaking of diamonds, before he gives you one, did you know that De Beers manipulates the price of diamonds? Yep, the value of diamonds are completely inflated B.S., which makes RG3’s favorite motto all the more appropriate. Diamonds aren’t nearly as rare or special as you are led to believe and neither is anything Bob says or does. It’s all part of his marketing scheme, which he cares about more than he cares about you.
Here is a man who has forced a slogan for every year of his professional career. His opening presser with the Browns was no different, filled with clichés and empty promises. He is a bumper sticker in human form and he is so out of touch that he refers to his own mic drops as “mic drops.” We made the mistake of thinking that he cared about football and winning, but he cares more about the messages written on his socks. While the rest of our team worked on getting better, here is a list of phrases that RG3 trademarked during his first year with us.
We know, we sound like bitter exes right now. Please don’t tune us out. Let’s forget the hoopla and look at RG3, the football player, for a moment.
Six-for-eight, 96 yards and 2 TDs passing Thursday night, along with 36 yards on the ground? Not bad. Vintage RG3. I bet you’re thinking, “How stupid is Washington for letting this guy go?” I bet you’ll even believe Robert when he tells you that the divorce was our fault. Why don’t you save this letter and read it back to yourself after Week 2, then Week 4, and once more after Week 8. If the cracks in your relationship haven’t begun to show, then we’ll eat our words.
Wait until RG3 faces a first-string defense before you celebrate this signing. Wait until he faces a blitz. Wait until he must read a defense, audible at the line, and then progress through three or four options before finding someone open. All the while, watch his footwork. It’s Dance, Dance Revolution and then he takes off to run. The pocket? What pocket? If you can teach RG3 to step into the pocket, you can save his career, but to do so you will need an old priest and a new priest.
Don’t listen to us, listen to the experts.
If RG3 somehow survives neglecting the pocket for weeks, his offensive linemen will begin to turn on him. He’ll make their jobs more difficult each week and they’ll get exhausted picking him up off of the turf. When they stop helping him up, descent will begin within the ranks and you can’t blame them.
RG3’s hijinks don’t stop just because the game has begun. His signature move is pretending he’s dead after a hit, making sure he stays down long enough for the camera to capture the “will he/won’t he get up” drama, then popping up and expecting applause. He’ll waste energy on shtick like this and then get knocked out of the game three plays later. It will drive you insane.
He’ll make poor choices and never hold himself accountable, instead saying things like “WE all need to get better” after a four-turnover performance. Robert’s successes are his own and his failures are our problem.
When we hear the media say things like, “The entire team is behind him in Cleveland, that wasn’t always the case in Washington,” we think, “Just wait.” You’re already seeing headlines like the one below and the regular season hasn’t even begun.
Here’s the thing about Robert’s real-life divorce — no one in that locker room gives a damn about your divorce! These are grown men fighting for employment. They have their own problems to worry about. They don’t worship at the thrown of RG3, but Robert thinks they do.
This man is so out of touch with reality that he thinks his divorce is special. Imagine calling a meeting with 100 of your co-workers, at a company you have worked at for about six months, and announcing to everyone that you are getting divorced. The only shared sentiment in the room would probably be, “Who is this guy?”
The divorce is only a distraction because RG3 will make it one. Was it a distraction when Tom Brady broke up with his baby’s mama, Bridget Moynahan? No, the Patriots went undefeated the next season. Brady didn’t trademark any phrases, he just went on living his silly life. Your co-workers don’t need to hear that you’re “All In For Marriage Two.”
When you win, little outside of football matters, but when you lose, everything is magnified. Two things can save Robert’s career: learning to step up in the pocket, and hiring a full-time social media consultant. He will do neither.
Unless you help him change, your relationship is doomed just as ours was. The fall will begin with cryptic tweets mid-season and end with Bob playing a punt, pass, and kick challenge alone after practice.
Brace yourself, Cleveland.
Your pals in D.C.
Follow Patrick’s satire on Twitter @RubGun and send your e-mail, questions and topic suggestions to firstname.lastname@example.org.