LOSER’S LOUNGE (CBSDC) — Lurch’s losing streak picking college football games for the “Big Fat Winners Radio” podcast continued over the weekend — going 1-4 on Saturday — bringing him to an 8-22 overall record on the season.
While Lurch continues to lose, his BFW Radio co-host, Junkies’ producer Matt Valdez, continues to roll, extending his winning record to 20-9.
That set the stage for an epic blowup bright and early Monday morning on The Junkies.
His picks have become so unreliable, he’s begun fading himself.
Lurch: How about this? Listen. I don’t care about the record. I faded myself this week.
EB: No you didn’t.
Lurch: Yes I did. Listen. I’m up 1,364 real dollars.
EB: For this week?
EB: Fading yourself?
Lurch: And I’m going to collect $900, and I’m gonna roll $464 and I’m going to fade myself.
EB: It’s impossible to fade yourself, though. You know this.
Lurch’s losing ways boiled over at this point, with him standing up to shout in the studio, “I’VE GOT NO LUCK! I LOST TWO GAMES BY A HALF A POINT! AND THE OTHER QUARTERBACK DOESN’T PLAY, AND I THOUGHT HE WAS GONNA PLAY! LSU’S UP 13-10, THE KICKER KICKS IT OUT OF BOUNDS! FIFTY SECONDS LEFT! UNBELIEVABLE! GOD! DAMN! I CAN’T WIN A GAME!”
EB: Well, you’re up in your bank account.
Lurch: I WANT TO WIN ON THE PODCAST!
EB: You care more about that than money? Would you trade a thousand bucks for …
Lurch: UTEP’S WINNING THE ENTIRE GAME AGAINST WESTERN KENTUCKY! THE ENTIRE GAME! TWO BACK-DOOR SCORES! Unbelievable.
EB: How bitter were you?
Lurch: Can’t you tell? I can’t control the incompetence of these kids. College kickers SUCK! ALL OF EM! Every single college kicker, including your dumb *** kid over at Maryland, he sucks too! THEY ALL SUCK! THEY SHOULD TAKE KICKERS OUT OF COLLEGE FOOTBALL! TAKE EM OUT! MAKE ‘EM GO FOR TWO, I DON’T CARE! I hate ’em all, Pete on Sports! I hate ’em all! They all suck! Kickers SUCK in college. They don’t deserve scholarships! IN FACT, THEY SHOULD HAVE TO PLAY DOUBLE TO PLAY ON THE TEAM!
EB: Would you trade your thousand dollars you’re up this week for a winning record on the podcast?
Lurch: YES! Ridiculous. You should see how many games, this year, on the podcast I’ve been bum f’ed. I could count probably ten!
Cakes: You know this was simmering over the last few weeks. You knew that was happening.
Lurch: I KNOW TOO MUCH ABOUT COLLEGE FOOTBALL TO BE 9-23!
EB: It’s almost unrecoverable. You’re digging a huge hole.
Lurch: I don’t care. I’ll just fade myself. If I’m gonna have that kind of luck, I’ll fade myself and I’ll pay my mortgage next month.
Thank God for WatchTheJunkies.com. The meltdown begins around the 6-minute mark.