A Maryland Fan’s Hater’s Guide to the B1G
As a lifelong Maryland fan I was against leaving the ACC but I realize the direction college sports are going.
Just a few years ago, 16-team Super Conferences were a far-flung fantasy and now they seem all but inevitable. Most experts foresee all Division 1 teams aligning with one of five Super Conferences in the next decade.
In the NCAA, money talks, unless you are a student-athlete of course. I believe the powers that be at the University of Maryland realized what was going on around them and the fact that they either needed to buy into the movement or risk being left behind. When the deep-pocketed suitor that is the B1G extended Maryland an invite to the party they simply couldn’t resist. $31 million exit fee? Ha! The city of College Park makes that much in parking tickets.
Though the transition has been in the works for years, Maryland leaving the ACC for the B1G still doesn’t feel real. With the college football season quickly approaching Terp fans are now faced with the harsh reality of becoming a doormat in an unfamiliar conference.
Despite the widespread disapproval from fans and alumni, old rivalries will slowly transition into new ones. What better way to prepare for our first season of truly hating the B1G than discussing what makes each of our new comrades so damn insufferable?
I present to you an introductory Hater’s Guide to the B1G. I already hate typing B1G. The fact that B-1-G is what the conference decided to brand itself as should have your blood boiling already.
In an attempt to quell the animosity, let’s kick this thing off by hating on ourselves a bit:
Maryland – Welcome to the party. We go from being called the Yankees of one conference to the Southern hillbillies of another overnight. Prepare yourself for terrible Mason-Dixon jokes and blatant geographical confusion from our new enemies. Seriously, go ask someone in Iowa to find Maryland on a map. If 40% of them can do it I will eat my hat.
No one in the B1G will take us seriously, nor should they. Just like the rest of you red-blooded Americans, when it comes to the NCAA, I only care about college football and basketball. Since the departure of Ralph Friedgen and Gary Williams both of our teams have become the epitomes of irrelevance. The Randy Edsall and Mark Turgeon experiments have been an embarrassment. There has been a mass exodus of scholarship players from both teams. Those who do not leave voluntarily are either disappointments on the field or decide that a life of petty crime is preferable to getting white-washed by opponents (see what I did there with the Red and the White). I hate us.
If you thought Scott Van Pelt was mad about our fair-weather fans in 2011, he may go Ron Burgundy on-air when the stadium formerly known as Byrd and the EXree Hipp, I mean Xfinity Center, become home-away-from-home for the Buckeyes, Lions, Spartans, Hoosiers, Wolverines, Cornhuskers and Badgers of the world. “I’m Scott Van Pelt, go #$*& yourself Maryland.”
Enough about us, from most loathsome to least, meet the B1G:
Indiana – Congratulations on becoming the new Duke in our hearts. Your fans wear stupid uniforms to games. You only care about basketball. We will beat you when it matters and never stop talking about the 2002 National Championship game. Hating you will be the easiest.
Penn State – The statute of limitations for talking about the Sandusky house of horrors has passed. While he deserves to burn in hell that will not be the only reason we will hate you. Geographically, you make us uncomfortable. Your student body is composed predominantly of kids from Pittsburgh and Philadelphia, two of the most disgusting places in the entire country. You aren’t gritty, Joe Pa is dead, we hated you once and we will hate you again.
Ohio State – THE Ohio State University is THE University for people who did not go to school there. Just because everyone has an uncle that lives in the Ohio the world has to put up with legions of Buckeye-clad morons taking over stadiums from coast to coast. This is the only B1G School that has a legitimate shot at a National title in both sports over the next five years. If you don’t already hate Ohio State I suggest grabbing a ticket to the game October 4th. The stadium will be 70% Buckeye fans and they will lay 40 on the Terps, which is the B1G equivalent of 250 points.
Michigan State – Maryland fans have a head start on this hate thanks to Tom Izzo and Korie Lucious. 2010 was the last time Maryland had a basketball team that was flirting with a run in the tournament. That dream was quickly dashed by a buzzer-beater that Greivis Vasquez still sees in his nightmares. It will probably take Spartan fans three years to realize Maryland is in their conference and not just part of a Tom Izzo charity venture. Michigan State’s basketball program is everything Maryland could have been if Gary Williams stuck around for another decade and started recruiting with bags of cash like all of the coaches that will zip by him on the all-time wins list. Their football team is stout as well but they have an inflated self-worth. 2013 was an apparition. They would lose four regular season games in the SEC West.
Michigan – So smart and diverse they make the University of Maryland look like the farming college it began as. Not only will they beat us on the field they will constantly remind us of their academic fortitude. Offer them a beer in the parking lot and they will point out how flawed our on-campus recycling programs are. Seriously, who invited these nerds? Do you know how to spot a Michigan graduate at a party? Just wait five minutes and they will tell you.
Wisconsin and Nebraska – Lumping these two together as one ball of red hate directed toward the flyover states. Nebraska’s glory days are long gone but you wouldn’t know it by the way their fans travel. Bo Pelini’s face is all I need to cultivate a hate for you. Wisconsin, how does it feel to never be called pretty?
Rutgers – You choose to live in New Jersey.
Northwestern – One out of every three sports journalist in the country went to Northwestern. Unfortunately 98% of them then move to D.C. to bash our incompetent professional sports franchises before moving to Bristol, Connecticut and then retiring to Arizona. Your alumni have profited from our suffering for too long.
Iowa – In the ACC, approximately 70% of our conference came from the State of North Carolina. In the B1G it seems like we are covering the other 49 states. Do Iowa, Indiana and Illinois really each need their own states? You are not beautiful and unique snowflakes. I think your state is most well-known for the Iowa Caucus which is once every four years. Do people just sit around and watch Fox News the other 1,460 days? Iowans sure can wrestle though so please don’t fight me.
Illinois – I actually feel a little sympathy for the Illini. Similar to Maryland, their glory days are a decade gone and there is little reason to believe they are going to turn things around soon. Misery loves company. Hey, your mascot looks racist!
Purdue – Boiler up! That’s their cheer, seriously. Everyone who goes here is either an engineer or an athlete. You probably work with a Purdue alum but you would never know it because they only communicate through Excel documents.
Minnesota – So far away, so cold. Who could hate Gophers? “Correct me if I’m wrong Sandy, but if I kill all the golfers they’ll lock me up and throw away the key.”
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