Four-Sport City Misery Index: Hey D.C., it Could be Worse
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As D.C. sports fans, are we too hard on ourselves? Surely other cities must be going through similar struggles, right?
Those are the questions I asked myself last week after looking at each of our team’s chances of finally bringing a championship back to D.C. — after a 23-year wait.
For all sports fans it’s easy to get wrapped up in our own little worlds and to imagine our city as having the worst luck.
I certainly can’t remember what being a champion feels like.
Fearing that I was falling prey to this narcissism I decided to take a step back to see how D.C.’s past and it’s future compares to other major sports cities.
Good news, it turns out things could be worse! After looking at each of the 12 four-sport cities (NFL, MLB, NBA, NHL) in the United States, the District comes in comfortably at #10 with above average odds for each of it’s four teams to win a championship.
For an unbiased comparison, I considered the last championship each team has won, if any, and the Vegas odds for each team to win their league’s championship this season.
Read it and weep; from least miserable to most miserable, the results are as follows:
#1 Boston: Boston, I hate you. If you don’t win another championship for a century you will still be one of the most winning cities in sports history. If you have a Boston fan in your life chances are they are smug and ungrateful. Give them nothing for Christmas.
Patriots: 2004, 10/1
Red Sox: 2013, 30/1
Celtics: 2008, 125/1
Bruins: 2011, 8/1 (favorite)
#2 New York: I get it. All New York fans should never be lumped together. Despite the common trait of obnoxiousness, New York fans hate each other. Well tough titties N.Y., the world thinks of all of you as one annoying mass of humanity and I will quantify you as such. The Yankees have won about 200 titles and the Giants somehow found a way to win two Super Bowls with a quarterback whom I wouldn’t trust to correctly heat up a Digorno pizza. If you root for the Jets, Mets, Nets and Islanders … who hurt you?
Giants: 2011, 45/1
Jets: 1968, 70/1
Yankees: 2009, 20/1
Mets: 1986, 300/1
Knicks: 1973, 60/1
Nets: None, 70/1
Rangers: 1994, 15/1
Islanders: 1983, 55/1
#3 Chicago: “But the Cubs!” Chicago fans will say. Unfortunately, their century of incompetence does not override the fact that Chicago boasts perennial contenders in three of the four major sports. In the last 30 years Chicago has won it all at least once in every sport, a feat only outdone by Boston. Not to mention Jordan. Cry me a green river Chicago, you’ll never know what misery is.
Bears: 1985, 25/1
Cubs: 1908, 300/1
White Sox: 2005, 200/1
Bulls: 1998, 10/1
Blackhawks: 2013, 8/1 (favorite)
#4 San Francisco/Oakland: I guess a robust economy, nice weather, good food, wine and music weren’t enough for the Bay Area; they had to go and win championships too. Of course most of their fans would prefer shopping for raw oats while barefoot at a farmer’s market than attending a sporting event but they still show up in droves and they are the favorite to win another World Series this year. Groovy.
49ers: 1994, 17/2
Raiders: 1983, 150/1
Giants: 2012, 8/1
A’s: 1989, 4/1 (favorite)
Warriors: 1975, 25/1
Sharks (San Jose): None, 14/1
#5 Detroit: Things start to go downhill pretty significantly at this point on the list. You know something is amiss whenever you put Detroit in the top five of a list that isn’t based on crime or urban decay.
Lions: None, 38/1
Tigers: 1984, 7/1
Pistons: 2004, 300/1
Red Wings: 2008, 18/1
#6 Denver: You’ve got Peyton Manning and pretty much nothing else in the pipeline. Better make it count, potheads.
Broncos: 1998, 6/1 (favorite)
Rockies: None, 200/1
Nuggets: None, 70/1
Avalanche: 2001, 18/1
#7 Miami: I am confident that Miami will be at the bottom of this list in the next decade. Such a plummet couldn’t happen to a more deserving fan base. They leave playoff games early and have to be begged or threatened to show up to regular season games for any sport. Of course they have the clubs, beaches and women to attract superstars but the best athlete in the world just chose Cleveland over Miami. That is the equivalent of choosing janitorial work as a profession over supermodel sunscreen applicator. You don’t bounce back from that.
Dolphins: 1973, 65/1
Marlins: 2003, 100/1
Heat: 2013, 75/1
Panthers: None, 65/1
#8 Dallas: As hard as it has been to stomach all of this Johnny Manziel media hype just imagine how disgusted you would be if the Cowboys had drafted him? Instead they signed Tony Romo to an extension. Perhaps there is a football god.
Cowboys: 1995, 47/1
Rangers: None, 400/1
Mavericks: 2011, 50/1
Stars: 1999, 18/1
#9 Philly: I would love to bury Philly on this list, and I would if it weren’t for the Phillies. I am pretty sure the Flyers and Sixers just stabbed all of their opponents in 1983. There are way too many people with camera phones now for that to happen again, right? At least they aren’t a bandwagon city or anything. Anyone know when the Phillies next “invasion” of Nats Park is planned for?
Eagles: None, 30/1
Phillies: 2008, 200/1
76ers: 1975, 650/1
Flyers: 1975, 30/1
#10 Washington, D.C.: Call me a hater. Call 106.7 The Fan a hater for giving me a gig but numbers are numbers. We haven’t won since 1991. Three Super Bowls are great to brag about but how long can we hang our hat on that? The last 20 years have been rough but I will say this is probably the best time to be a D.C. fan since the early 90’s. We have young talent all over the place and each of our teams looks to be on the up and up except for the Caps. I’ll take #10 and trending up.
This area is hungry and due for a championship. Just once more will we taste that sweet nectar of glory, just once? The thought of 600,000 of us watching a parade march down Pennsylvania Avenue is enough to make me whistle.
Redskins: 1991, 55/1
Nationals: None, 12/1
Wizards: 1978, 50/1
Capitals: None, 40/1
#11 Phoenix: Can I get you guys some water? It’s so hot down here. I can’t believe that Randy Johnson is Arizona’s only saving grace. There is a good chance that he made a deal with Satan. How else do you explain him killing a dove with a pitch?
Cardinals: None, 50/1
Diamondbacks: 2001, 300/1
Suns: None, 80/1
Coyotes: None, 55/1
#12 Minnesota: I hear people in Minnesota are nice. I bet doctors prescribe a lot of Xanax there. Look at those odds. Bloggers have better odds of getting a book deal. R.I.P. Kirby Puckett.
Vikings: None, 130/1
Twins: 1991, 500/1
Timberwolves: 1954 (Lakers), 150/1
Wild: None, 18/1
Honorary Mention: I have always held a special sympathy for Cleveland. Whenever I would feel down about D.C. sports it only took speaking with a Browns fan to make me feel thankful again.
If you include the Columbus Blue Jackets, Cleveland is a four-sport town that hasn’t won a championship in basketball, football or hockey EVER. In fact, their last championship was the won by the Cleveland Indians in 1948. The Mistake by the Lake would have won the list of misery in a landslide but now they have Lebron and no one will ever feel sorry for them again. Here’s to a boost in Cleveland’s tourism!
Follow Patrick on Twitter @RubGun and send your hate mail, questions and topic suggestions to Cannon1067@gmail.com.