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Not Knowing Anything About U.S. Soccer is Okay: ‘I Believe That We Will Win!’

by Chris 'Blue Shorts' Lingebach
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The U.S. Men’s National sillies working out in Brazil. (Photo by Kevin C. Cox/Getty Images)

The U.S. Men’s National sillies working out in Brazil. (Photo by Kevin C. Cox/Getty Images)

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WASHINGTON (CBSDC) – “I believe that we will win! I believe that we will win! I believe that we will win! I believe that we will win!”

I suppose it’s wrong on some level it took the United States upsetting Ghana — who’s eliminated the U.S. men’s national team in the past two World Cups — after John Brooks gave the U.S. a 2-1 lead, scoring on a header off a corner kick in the 86th minute, to wake me from my World Cup slumber.

The truth is, I, like many others, was sleeping under a gigantic boulder on the nationalism brought on by international soccer, and have now shamelessly shoved all in on USMNT.

Even more truthful, I barely understand soccer terminology, and have to turn to a co-worker for consultation to not sound like an illiterate fool when writing about it.

But none of that matters, because the U.S. just beat Ghana, and John Brooks is a national hero, and everyone’s butt cised.

There are others like me, I’m sure. Many more, in fact. Take this guy, for example, who called into the Junkies Tuesday morning.

Funny Caller on U.S. Soccer

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“I couldn’t care less about the soccer until about a minute into the game, when I was buying my Clint Dempsey jersey online for next-day delivery,” said Chris in Bethesda.

“That’s hysterical,” Lurch said.

“I’m not kidding, because the shipping on the jersey, the shipping cost more than the jersey,” Chris said.

“Hold on. How much did you pay for the shipping?” Cakes asked.

“I mean, I don’t really want to talk about it. It doesn’t matter,” Chris said. “But here’s the deal. The deal, I’m gonna have my jersey by this afternoon, and I’m gonna wear the hell out of it, and then when we get pummeled by Germany, I’m gonna throw it away.”

“That sounds like a typical United States soccer fan,” Cakes laughed.

“I just got sized when ESPN showed a clip of like the women’s soccer team — they were chilling in some bar in Hartford — all those dimes,” Lurch said. “They were pretty attractive, there, Valdez.”

“I don’t know what I like more,” Chris said. “I don’t know if I get more fired up for the guys, or like the women. I think the women, because the women have a chance of winning, typically, but that’s fine, because I have my Mia Hamm jersey also.”

“Hahahahaha,” JP said. “You know, I think the deal is, Jason; you’re wondering why you’re into it, you’re not a soccer fan. It’s because it’s the biggest event in the world. So, even though the Americans aren’t great, they are invited to the party, and you want to do well at that party.”

Keeping with the theme of not knowing anything, let’s all enjoy this chant making the rounds, which the Junkies caught onto Tuesday as well, which, pretty soon, will have every American shouting at the top of their lungs: “I believe that we will win!”

I Believe That We Will Win!

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