by Chris 'Blue Shorts' Lingebach

WASHINGTON (CBSDC) – The Junkies were discussing the likelihood of the Wizards advancing as far into the NBA Playoffs as they have, if they didn’t have Marcin Gortat and Trevor Ariza, each of whom is playing on an expiring contract.

Soon into the conversation, JP sounded like he was heading down his normal path of inferring the Wizards are only a playoff team because they happen to play in the inferior Eastern Conference, and should they be held to the Western Conference’s standards, they’d be sitting at home right now.

Again, he only sounded like he was heading in that direction, the same direction he’s headed in probably hundreds of times before, although he didn’t quite get there because Cakes uncharacteristically freakedddddddd outtttttttt.

“If they lose Gortat and Ariza, they will take a step back regardless of who they replace them with,” EB said. “They will be maybe a playoff team, but not a playoff contender, not a playoff team that can do anything.”

“I don’t think they’re a true playoff contender this year, even if they make it to the Eastern Conference Finals,” JP said.

“They’re an Eastern Conference Finals contender, this year, with this squad,” EB accurately noted.

Cakes: JP’s a Western Conference elitist NBA snob. It’s been well documented.

JP: That’s not true.

Cakes: It’s not well documented?! Every time you talk about the Wizards, you say ‘If they played in the West, they wouldn’t make the NBA Playoffs.’

JP: Well that’s factual. That doesn’t make me a snob, it’s true.

Cakes: That’s fine, but you bring it up every. Single. Time. You talk about the Wizards. And it’s tilting. It’s tilting to Wizards fans! Yes! Especially this one, that you’re looking at right here! Tilting!

JP: Well I was just talking about the Eastern Conference. You brought up the Western Conference. I brought up Toronto.

Cakes: No, no, no. I never bring up the Western Conference. You always bring up the Western Conference, which the Wizards will never play in! They’ll never play in the Western Conference!

JP: What conference do the Raptors play in?

Cakes: Last time I checked, they pay in the East.

JP: What conference do the Nets play in?

Cakes: Last time I checked, they play in the East.

JP: Those were the teams I brought up, Rick!

Cakes: You bring up the Western Conference every time you talk about the Wizards!

JP: But that’s not factual, because I brought up Eastern Conference teams. If you can’t follow the logic, that’s on you.

Cakes: Oh, please. You’re acting like you don’t bring up the Western Conference all the time when you talk about the Wizards maybe sneaking into the playoffs because they’re in the East?

EB: But Cakes, the truth is, I don’t think in this moment, this instance, that’s what he was referring to.

Lurch: You know what? Cakes gets realllllllly lick when it comes to the Wizards.

Cakes: Well, because JP tweaks every time I talk about the Western Conference, how they wouldn’t make it in!

EB: But in this instance, he’s actually been pro.

Lurch: He’s actually supporting the Wizards, here.

Cakes: I knowwwww. But it seem disingenuous!

First of all, I can’t BELIEVE Bickel and Lurch defended JP like that. Cakes almost never bickers; he never starts a fight; he never needles to stoke an argument already in progress, because after all, he’s typically staunchly non-confrontational by nature.

The one ti — The one time he decides to step forward and rightly call JP out for his INCESSANT and needless Wizards bashing — after years of taking verbal shellackings by his co-hosts for no other reason than to maintain peace in the studio — the other two Junkies in the room make him feel like an alien for finally speaking up, and instead decided to shield JP from Cakes’ perfectly warranted pent-up aggression.

Good on you, Cakes.

Bad on the rest.

Next, it’s absurd to defend JP for something that, sure, maybe in this instance he didn’t say, but finds literally every opportunity otherwise to mention that the Wizards and Eastern Conference are inferior to the Western Conference, because JP’s  the only Junkie insanely obsessed enough with the NBA to stay awake until 1 a.m. every weeknight to watch Tim Duncan slowly dismantle the Blazers with sound fundamentals that would lull most others to sleep.

You want to talk about following the logic, JP?

Maybe ease off the circular argument of repeatedly suggesting the Wizards wouldn’t be in the playoffs if they were in the West, an assumption made solely based on regular season standings as of the start of these current playoffs, which can’t possibly be proven true, because, as Cakes mentioned, the Wizards will never be a member of the Western Conference. Therefore, you can’t possibly rule out they wouldn’t outperform their current record if they were in the West.


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