by Chris 'Blue Shorts' Lingebach

WASHINGTON (CBSDC) – Perhaps being ‘worried’ about it isn’t the proper phrasing, but Lurch is certainly ‘aware’ he’s becoming the crazy, screaming dad who ruins his children’s softball games for all other parents and kids (his included) in attendance, he admitted Monday.

We all know this guy. We all hate this guy.

He’s the parent who recalls his own shortcomings as a player, while watching his kids play sports, and lives vicariously through them with the aggression of someone who knows ‘too much’ about the game to let apathy slide by the wayside.

This guy sucks the fun out of the game, every time, and has parents across the diamond muttering under their breath for him to ‘shut up’ but wont’ say it to his face because, like most parents, they’ve put their confrontational ‘shut up or I’ll make you shut up’ days far back in the rearview.

In reality, they end up talking to other parents as they’re walking to their cars in that ‘Can you believe that guy?’ kind of way, then passive-aggressively alert the ump before their next unfortunate encounter with screaming dad.

“I would love to just have a camera fixated on me at my daughter’s softball game, because I know I just make a fool of myself,” Lurch said.

Lurch: Look, she’s twelve-years-old. And all these kids are 11, 12, some of them are 13. But it just drives me batty, the mental mistakes. And I understand they’re 12, and they don’t get the repetitions that they should. Practice time has been cut because of the weather.

EB: They also don’t care that much.

Lurch: They don’t care like the parents do. But I know I’m the loudest parent. I know it. I know for a fact I am. I know the parents on the other side can hear me, because they’ve said stuff to me before.

JP: Does your wife ever say anything to you?

Lurch: My wife just kind of sits on the bleachers. She pulls the hat down. She doesn’t want to be 50 feet within earshot.

JP: Do you kids every scold you?

Lurch: They feel it. I know they feel it. Because when they make a mistake, I’m so loud on the field and I know they can hear it. All the players can hear; the coaches can hear it; the other parents can hear it. But I’m just so competitive. I have this drive, and I just want them to do well, and I want her to play well. And when there’s two outs and she’s on first, and there’s a popup to right-center field, and she’s waiting to see if it’s caught. There’s two outs. Right. I’m like ‘RUNNNNNN! WHAT ARE YOU DOING? THERE’S TWO OUTS!’

Lurch: And then she ends up on third, where she could have scored if she’s running. The parents are probably just looking at me like what are you doing.

Poor T.

She probably just lets it build and build for weeks on end, before consuming the proper dosage of wine to get up the nerve to call him a nine-letter word, and “the Kelleys are afraid to ask you to go out.”

Listen to the segment in the giant audio clip below.


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