by Chris 'Blue Shorts' Lingebach

WASHINGTON (CBSDC) – Lurch stopped the room with a notable Big Time at the start of the show on Thursday, when he revealed that he has 20-foot ceilings in the master BEDROOM of his palatial Ashburn estate.

“Another day of just dreariness,” Lurch spoke his first words of the show. “And I’ll tell you what, I got no sleep last night, because at 12:40 in the morning, the smoke alarm battery started to beep.”

“Oh, the worst,” Cakes said. “Then you gotta go figure out which one it is.”

“Oh, I knew which one it was; it was the one in my master bedroom,” Lurch said.

“Alright, so did you have a spare nine-volt battery ready to go?” Cakes asked.

“No, because you have to go down to the garage and get the ladder out, bring the ladder all the way upstairs because you can’t reach it,” Lurch said.

“Even you can’t reach it?” Cakes asked.

“It’s twenty-foot ceilings! It’s twenty-foot,” Lurch said.

“Big Timeeeee,” Valdez and EB chimed in unison.

Let’s break for a second to acknowledge the severity of a big time, when it’s so BT, the immediate reaction of multiple people in the room is to shout “Big Time” in perfect harmony.

Now, back to joaning, which resumed later in the show at the start of EB’s Entertainment Page.

Cakes: He can’t even change a battery in his smoke alarm! I’m sure he’s gonna keep eggs warm!

EB: Have you texted T  to find out what she’s done to address the issue?

Lurch: She hasn’t done it yet.

EB: She’s waiting for you.

Lurch: She needs help getting the ladder up there. It’s a pretty big ladder.

EB: Well, I mean you’ve got 20-foot ceilings in your castle. I mean who has 20-feet ceilings in their bedroom?

Valdez: You have to carry the ladder over the moat.

EB: Well, as Cakes said, he lives in the Vatican. I mean it sounds like it. I understand big ceilings that people have when you walk in, when you in the foyer area.

Lurch: That’s how they built it.

Cakes: I mean, Dikembe Mutombo could have like Dwight Howard stand on his shoulders and wouldn’t even reach your ceiling.

Lurch: Nope. Two Gheorghies, still couldn’t do it.

EB: Right. You’d be about six feet short.

Lurch: Two Gheorghies and Spud Webb, still couldn’t do it.

Technically, not that it matters in the slightest, but two Gheorghe Mureșans – at 7’7” tall — plus one Spud Webb – at 5’7” tall — could stack up to reach Lurch’s 20-foot bedroom ceilings, with roughly 9” of Webb’s head protruding through.

Again, it’s not important at all, although it would be a sight to behold.

Listen to the Joan fest below.

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