by Chris 'Blue Shorts' Lingebach

LANHAM, Md. (CBSDC) – Morning talk radio is a wonderful platform from whence all kinds of riveting discussion can derive.

For instance, EB talked about his flabby, saggy old man butt for five minutes on Tuesday.

“I am on a mission to un-flatten my butt,” he unceremoniously announced. “It is so flat and saggy. When I look in the mirror, Cakes, it’s embarrassing. Like Valdez, yesterday, even after the show said “show me, I want to see it.” Seriously, I would bend over and show you my insides before I’d show you my butt. Like, I’d show you my package. You could see anything you want. My butt is so old and sag… I have an 80-year-old man butt.”

EB’s tried everything — from doing squats, to pulling out one of those old, nubbs Reebok step-up things and proceeding to step onto it, and off of it — to firm up his backside, he explained, and make it not so closely resembling to that of a butt belonging to a geriatric male.

Some grabby excerpts from the ensuing gripping conversation:

EB: I looked up How To Firm Up Saggy Butt. I Googled it. Right and I got all these exercises.

JP: Gotta trust the process.

That’s true. You have to trust the 80-year-old man butt un-sagging process.

Valdez: You can get butt injections like Nicki Minaj.

Recording artist Nicki Minaj and her butt attend some Hollywood movie premiere or something. (Credit: Kevin Winter/Getty Images)

Recording artist Nicki Minaj and her butt attend some Hollywood movie premiere or something. (Credit: Kevin Winter/Getty Images)

EB: I wonder if like the four years of online poker playing, just sitting on my ass, I wonder if that did it, where it just shut down.

Lurch: What about the 18 years of sitting here?

It was probably the poker.

Valdez: So what’s your biggest area flaw? Is it just saggy, or is it like cottage cheese?

EB: No, no, I don’t have cottage cheese. It’s just saggy and dead.

JP: Is it just an extension of the legs? Like, your back just goes straight down to your legs?

EB: No, no, because there’s skin there.

This was fun. Let us all turn to the person nearest us in our respective offices, and talk about our butts.

Listen to the segment in the audio clip above.


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