by Chris 'Blue Shorts' Lingebach

WASHINGTON (CBSDC) – College students across the country have flocked to beach towns for the annual rite of passage known as “spring break.”

Another way to put it is ‘pour copious amounts of booze into their skulls until they pass out where they stand,’ which seems to be the tone beautifully articulated in a recent special report by Ainsley Earhardt for Fox News, brought to my attention by drunk college chick connoisseur, Matt Valdez.

Breaking News: college kids like to party.

That’s not the worst of it.

They’ll do it anywhere: in a bar or on a back porch; they’ll take beer bongs standing on one leg from atop a rickety tin roof while it’s raining; they’ll dare each other to do stupid things, like interlocking their lips with those of a stranger simply to have a story to tell later.

These sinful acts of ‘living’ are only amplified, however, by the unforgiving environment of ‘spring break,’ as it’s come to be called colloquially, where young adults fall prey to the circumstance of being thousands of miles from home, under the red hot beating sun with piles of their parents money and no one to tell them not to spend it.

What’s your child doing on Spring Break? The answer’s likely not curled up in a beach chair reading The Canterbury Tales, but rather, curled up in the back of a squad car being read their rights.

Sound the alarms!

This special report really is a masterwork of juxtaposition: fear-mongering, if you’re a parent/source of inspiration to get bombed, if you’re a student.

Let me direct you attention to the video.

[tweet width=”420″]

Look how happy those kids are.

Not a care in the world (certainly not one for being filmed by a national news agency, possibly a few months out from graduation).

How about Earhardt’s initial standup, in which she’s seen with a crowd of spring breakers huddled around her, ready to demonstrate their inebriation as if it’s being filmed for some documentary to be sealed in a time capsule and buried in the ground, only to be studied for a ‘rise and fall of humans’ theory class by aliens, eons from now.

And check out bro in the white cap, blowing kisses to Earhardt throughout the shot like ‘Hey, Ains.’

You think he cares what his mom would think?

No, he probably woke up at 4 o’clock, his legs in a figure-four leg lock with a member of the opposite lots-of-sex: Genus Femalia.

He probably crushed it, too. Meanwhile, one of his boys was probably passed out on the floor just outside the bedroom door, after giving up his hours-long fight of pleading that was his bed, and ‘You swore to me you wouldn’t do this … my back … the cross-country meet next week.’

These kids are the American dream.

Twerking, bong rips, waking up at 10 a.m., passing out at 2; maybe a quick body shot in between when their girlfriends aren’t looking because, ‘I really didn’t want to bring her anyway.’

‘Yea, she sucks bro. She’s always trying to bring you down,’ another bro pleads, feigning concern.

People work their entire lives to attain the exact level of primitive enjoyment the kids in the video are privileged to rub in your face, but by the time they’ve acquired the means to do so on their own terms, they’ve already had decades of society drilling into their brains that type of behavior’s not appropriate.

So instead, they give up, and go in with four other families on a beach house in Nags Head, convincing themselves they have a deeper appreciation, now, for watching their annoying kids form basic sand castles as they sip iced tea alongside their fat spouses.

But seriously, this is the type of hard-hitting journalism that earns Emmy nods.

Check out how disingenuous the somehow straight-faced conversation is, between Earhardt and show host Sean Hannity, when the package ends and the video cuts back to the studio, as they break down the science behind bonging (or funneling) a beer.

Via Fox News:

“How many beers are they putting in each funnel?” Hannity asks, like he has no idea.

“Well, each time they funnel, it’s one beer,” Earhardt says. “And then they’re funneling over and over and over again.”

“And literally, it basically just shoots it right into your stomach,” Hannity kept up the bit.

“Absolutely,” she said. “They have to lean back, it opens up their throat, and then the beer just goes down.”

“And then it literally falls down,” Hannity explained gravity.

And this …

“One time I went to Cancun in college, and I was appalled at what I saw,” Earhardt said.

Haha, okay.

“This is now in AMERICA,” she preached. “Kids are doing this down in Fla-ri-da.”

Hannity: How many people did you see that you would argue were like passing out drunk?

Earhardt: Oh my gosh. The whole beach. Everyone there, that is their mission.

“Flashing, girls naked …”

Sounds really terrible …


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