2014 Vasectomy Madness Champion Announced

by Chris 'Blue Shorts' Lingebach
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Left: Eric (Junkies Poker Open Baby), Center: Mike (wife has fallopian tube disorder), Right: Cowboy (lives in a yurt, which apparently is a glorified tent).

Left: Eric (Junkies Poker Open Baby), Center: Mike (wife has fallopian tube disorder), Right: Cowboy (lives in a yurt, which apparently is a glorified tent).

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WASHINGTON (CBSDC) – The people have spoken and crowned ‘Cowboy Mike’ — the man who lives in a yurt — the 2014 Vasectomy Madness champion!

With his victory, Cowboy Mike will receive a free vasectomy procedure, to be performed by Dr. Shin and Dr. Engel, Urological Surgeons of Washington.

The three donks (their bios below) arrived in studio Wednesday morning to tell their sob stories, and do their best to ingratiate themselves to the Junkies listeners who, along with a panel of judges, ultimately crowned the champion.

Voting lasted 24 hours — from Wednesday at 9:40 a.m. to Thursday at 9:40 a.m. — and resulted in an absolute nail-biter.

Here’s a breakdown of how the votes were weighted:

  • 75% — decided by panel of Dr. Engel, Ewadd and Blue Shorts
  • 25% — online voting

The final online poll results:

  • Cowboy: 963
  • Eric: 930
  • Mike: 78

Ewadd and Blue Shorts voted for Eric (the guy who conceived his last child at the Junkies Poker Open), which accounted for 50 percent of the final tally.

Put that against Dr. Engel and online voters, who voted for Cowboy, and a necessary tiebreaker was then pushed to the Junkies, who unanimously declared Cowboy Yurt man this year’s winner.

Cowboy no longer has to be saddled with the burden of bringing children into this world. He can live in his yurt with wife, two kids, and all their crazy animals in peace and harmony without fear of one day needing a bigger yurt.

“Tomorrow’s my birthday, actually, so this is a great birthday present,” yurt man said, after being told on the air Thursday that he’d won.

Let’s meet the contestants:

Mike:

Mike’s entry into the contest came more from need than want. As he explained in his online submission, he and his wife underwent In vitro fertilization treatment to have their three children – a 4-year-old daughter and 5-month-old boy/girl twins. Having more children would put his wife at great risk – even death – because of a fallopian tube disorder.

“At 40 I need no more surgeries, no more kids and my wife around to help me raise the 3 we have,” he wrote. “I also want to be like Cakes…”

Eric:

Eric actually attributes the birth of his 4th child to the Junkies. Let’s just let him tell the story:

“Thanks Junks for hosting that great Listener’s Party at Gypsie Bar the night before the JPO,” Eric wrote. “I was getting white boy wasted trying to be cool in front of the Junks while my wife was pissed to be spending our first date night away from the kids in three years at a Disc Jockey Fan Boy Party. After 30 seconds of intercourse that night I was too drunk to pull out. Now I will be lucky enough to have a baby born in 2012, 2013 and 2014. I also got felted the next morning in the first hour of the JPO…”

Eric went on to explain his wife is currently bedridden with an IV in her arm; meanwhile, he has to take off work early every day to pick his children up from daycare. What does this mean? He’s working less, and paying for rising childcare costs.

“Thanks JPO…”

Cowboy:

Cowboy (self-described) has two kids, whom he and his “woman” love. Actually he wrote, “My woman and I love the tiny bastards but aren’t equipped to raise a 3rd.”

More from ‘Cowboy’ [Sic]:

“We’re living in sin in a glorified tent (a yurt) on her family’s farm. She’s crazy. She keeps getting more animals for us to care for when we don’t have the money or time to care for ourselves. I’ve had sex ONCE since she had the second kid and I’m terrified that the one time it happens again will lead to another bundle of endless joy. You know you need to get laid when watching a conga line of male hogs is truly entertaining…

“Every weekend it falls on me to feed the hundreds of chickens, 20 sheep, a handful of cows, 20+ pigs, and 12 milking goats. She’s seriously gotta be certifiable. Then again, she does have three or four jobs. I work hard as a builder every day, but I don’t have insurance (don’t tell the government, please). If you made it through this real life country song, you know I’m beyond broke and getting kinda desperate. Help!”

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