Lurch’s Wife Calls Him Nine-Letter Name

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Massive Snow Storm Slams DMV
Chris Lingebach Chris Lingebach
Chris Lingebach is a writer for CBSDC.com, 1067thefandc.com, and blogs...
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WASHINGTON (CBDC) – If you missed parts or all of the Junkies on Thursday, it’s understandable — there’s like three feet of snow outside.

You can chalk it up to Snowchi Pax, or whatever they’re calling it, but you still missed an epic Lurch segment involving his wife, Theresa.

Yesterday, as Lurch explained, Lurch met up with a few of the guys from the Corner Club as snowfall first touched down, to imbibe and have a round on the golf simulator.

So after their round, obviously, they headed over to Bonefish for a subsequent round of drinks.

Lurch then had to drive his daughters to a softball workout.

Here’s when chaos inserts itself:

Snowchi notwithstanding, Theresa had plans for the whole family to meet up with the Kelleys (I don’t know who the Kelleys are either) for dinner afterward.

Lurch: So it’s 7:30 and the storm is gonna pummel us. And I start thinking about it, well, I gotta get up at like 3:30 — I’m not getting up at the standard 4:20 or whatever. So then I told my wife, I said, ‘I’m not gonna go to dinner, because I gotta go to sleep early, I gotta watch GW/VCU.’

EB: She can kind of understand that. Well, you threw in the GW/VCU.

Lurch: Well I didn’t tell her that, but I was thinking to myself, if I go to dinner, we’re not gonna start eating ’til 8, I’ll be there til 9, and I want to go to sleep relatively early.

So she cancels the dinner. She could have taken the girls, because the Kelleys have kids that they know, and I said, ‘Why can’t you just go to the Kelleys without me?’

She said, ‘No, I’m not gonna go because Jim’s gonna be there and it’s gonna be awkward, I’m not gonna have anyone to talk to.

I said, ‘What? What are you talking about? It’s not awkward, we’ve know them for years.

So she cancels the dinner, we go to Subway after the workout.

So we get back up into the house and she’s like, ‘the Kelleys are afraid to ask you to go anywhere because you’re such a D-bag.’

I said, ‘What?!’

JP: So she didn’t really call you that?

EB: No, she did.

Lurch: No, she goes, ‘You’re such a d-bag that the Kelleys are afraid to ask you to go out, and these are the reasons, because you always bail.’

So then she’s yelling at me in the bedroom, the kids are downstairs eating.

I was floored! I didn’t know where it came from! It was out of left field. She obviously wasn’t thinking about me, because she just takes it for granted that I could just go to bed at 11 o’clock. She wasn’t up cleaning off the car at 3:30. Right? That was ME. All she does is roll over and say, ‘Drive safe! [snooring sounds] Be careful! [more snoring sounds]‘

The issue went unresolved, with both of them going to bed in a huff, although, Lurch said later he planned to have a sit down with Theresa when he arrives back home.

Lurch: I might have to take a couple credit cards away today.

EB: That’s the hammer. WHAM!

Lurch: I can take the Nordstrom and The Gap away. See how she likes that. And if she really pushes me, Macy’s is going.

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