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Six AM: Valdez Ranks Anne Arundel Co. Suburbs, Owns Pellet Stove

by Chris 'Blue Shorts' Lingebach
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HURTING LANHAM, Md. (CBSDC) – Matt Valdez, 26, rarely speaks on-air about living with his parents in Pasadena, Md. (Pasadena is positioned close enough to Lanham to make the commute livable, and yet, far enough away to maintain that lovely Baltimore charm), and understandably so. It’s just kinda HAIRKting.

I get it (I moved back in with my parents to save money when I was 25, and found it impossible to stack checks because I was burning them all on booze, just to forget I was living with my parents at age 25).

As a refresher, Valdez has been back at the homestead for the last six months or so, saving money to eventually buy a home for him and his girlfriend (former Junkies intern, Laura).

On the rare day Valdez does elect to field questions from the Junks about his living arrangement, it tends to yield golden results.

Take Tuesday morning, for instance.

In the very first segment of the show we learned Matt’s parents keep the thermostat at 62 degrees through the winter, even in the last few weeks, with the Baltimore-Washington area being frozen over with a steady arctic chill.

Resolution: he keeps a ‘pellet stove’ in his room.

You may be asking yourself, ‘What the heck is a pellet stove?’

“You gotta buy like two tons of pellets to last you for the year, and you put it in the top of the stove and it burns the pellets,” Valdez said.

Huh.

Here's a family which very likely resembles the Valdez household, modeling off a pellet stove, courtesy of Getty Images. (Credit: MEHDI FEDOUACH/AFP/Getty Images)

Here’s a family which very likely resembles the Valdez household, modeling off a pellet stove, courtesy of Getty Images. (Credit: MEHDI FEDOUACH/AFP/Getty Images)

The second revelation: Valdez ranked the Anne Arundel County suburbs, neighboring him in Pasadena.

Here are those rankings (listed silly to nubbins):

1.       Severna Park: Severna Park’s so silly.

2.       Annapolis: Well there’s good parts of Annapolis, and there’s nubbs parts.

3.       Millersville: Millersville, that’s silly. That’s where like my whole family’s from, is Millersville. They’re big sillies. They’re Pumphreys. That name’s a silly name there.

4.       Gambrills: Gambrills is silly … compared to Pasadena, Gambrills is silly.

5.       Pasadena: There’s nubbs parts of in Pasadena. Like Chesterfield is so nubbs.

6.       Chesterfield: Chesterfield’s so nubbs.

7.       Arbutus: JP: What about where the Gov was from, Arbutus? Valdez: Arbutus? Nubbs.

8.       Glen Burnie: Valdez: Glen Burnie’s trifling. JP: Do Pasadena people scoff at Glen Burnie people? Valdez: Oh yea. Glen Burnie’s soooo nubbs.

9.       Brooklyn:  What’s even nubbier than Glen Burnie is Brooklyn. If you’re from Brooklyn, Maryland … nubbs. That’s right on the outskirts of the city.

Then there was the part of the segment in which Valdez completely redirected Joan shrapnel onto his own mother.

Valdez: My dad has a happy hour partner.

EB: So he doesn’t look at you as kind of a disappointing son?

Valdez: Uhhh … not yet. Probably if I’m there for like another year, then he’d be like, ‘What’s going on?’

EB: I mean you do have like a real job. You got your own benefits.

Sturch: Yea, but it pays nubbs. It’s a nubby paying job.

Valdez: You know what’s nubbs? Is I make more than my mom.

EB: You do?

Cakes: Oh, you’re doing W2 scoreboard on Mom Valdez right now!

JP: It sounds cold-blooded to say that.

It is cold-blooded.

But when you’re living with your parents, it’s the little victories that pull you through, even if that means whoring one of the parents providing you with shelter, by mass-broadcasting that you’re more financially robust than her.

Note to Reader: Every time I try to scheme up a recurring themed blog post, I fail: One, because I fail at everything, and two, because the initial offering never garners enough reaction to justify keeping up with it, further solidifying the belief that I’m an abject failure.

However, I would like to attempt a recurring blog post, with some aptly-named title (like, the Early Grind or something), strictly covering the early segments in the show. The reason being, the early segments are distinctly different from the rest of the show. And there are various reasons for this, like that it’s 5:45 in the morning and the Junkies have just recently awoken themselves, and tend to ease into full, morning bluster. Also, these early morning segments tend to take on the nostalgic feel of the more classic Junkies approach: playing fast and loose, with little formatting, and allowing the conversation to flow freely in the wind.

Alas, this may be my final effort at attempting such a recurring post. Please (do)n’t let me down.

MATT VALDEZ LICKS POLE

RICK VALDEZ PRANKS TORONTO RADIO STATION

MAMA GRIZZLY HEADED FOR GLUE FACTORY

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