How Drab Bribes His Girlfriend with ‘Sports Points!’
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WASHINGTON (CBSDC) - The last time I described a trend as “sweeping the nation,” it sparked national debate and I had to respond to countless emails from unknown senders accusing me of shameless fear-mongering, so I’ll shy away from that here. The truth is, this isn’t even a trend.
As far as I know, Drab is the only human in the world who keeps a running tally of ‘Sports Points!’ with his girlfriend, then rewards her with a fully-paid dinner once she reaches a certain total.
No, this is not a sweeping trend at all. But it should be, because it’s genius.
Honestly, I haven’t had a girlfriend in a few years, but I remember the nuisance they can be when all you want to do is sports, and they would rather it be them.
When discussing the loudness of CenturyLink Field in Seattle, which Drab corroborated after attending a game with his girlfriend earlier this year, JP brought up an odd, foreign topic, which Drab seemed reluctant to discuss.
“How many ‘Sports Points!’ did your girlfriend get?” JP asked. “We just heard about you guys have some sort…”
“Valdez, you’re such a piece of crap,” Drab snapped back (apparently this was a clone of an earlier conversation between Drab and Valdez, which was never intended for air).
“You have a ‘Sports Points!’ deal?” EB asked.
“No, I just told him during the break, cause I don’t know how it came up, that my girlfriend and I, if she gets a certain amount of ‘Sports Points!’ she gets a free dinner,” Drab explained.
“So if she knows like that Richard Sherman leads the league in interceptions, she drops a nugget,” JP posited.
“No. No,” Drab said. “Richard Sherman will be on TV and I’ll say, ‘Who’s that?’ And if she knows who it is.”
“Who keeps track of the ‘Sports Points!’?” Lurch asked.
“We have a bulletin board at home, and it’s one of the things up on there,” Drab explained.
“So you care if your girlfriend knows who Richard Sherman is?” EB asked. “Who would even ask her? Who cares?”
“No, because I’m always watching sports, and so I’m just trying to make conversation with my girlfriend,” Drab said.
“This is your way of including her?” EB asked.
“Yea a little bit, to keep her halfway interested in me,” 30-year-old Drab said of his 22-year-old girlfriend.
That Drab has convinced his girl it’s a two-way street is perhaps the most diabolical part of the whole scheme. As he went on to describe, his version of ‘Sports Points!’ is called ‘Bravo Points!’ — which, as you can imagine, involves the same process with the trivia relating to Bravo television programming. Also, his reward isn’t dinner, it’s something which involves her sitting somewhere, which doesn’t makes a lot of sense to me. Is he really that controlling? He takes pleasure in being able to tell her where to sit (Ohhhh……)?
See, Drab was going to watch Bravo regardless. Now he gets the added benefit of making his girlfriend think he’s doing her a favor, by showing interest in what she likes or whatever. More importantly, he’s incentivized his girl while watching a football game to raise the level of the conversation above the dreaded ‘I like him because he has a cute butt,’ which your generic, run-of-the-mill girlfriend would be likely to declare. He’s winning at both ends.
She slowly learns about the game and gains more interest in it. Hell, by next year she’ll be surprising him with plane/game tickets.
Every man should aspire to replicate this plan.
Matt Valdez (@matt_valdez) January 17, 2014