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The Junkies Held a Funeral Service for Redskins’ ‘Red Lobster’

by Father Blue
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THE FUNERAL PARLOR, Md. (CBSDC) - Inspired by the nickname given to Mike Shanahan by Fred Smoot, the Junkies laid the ‘Red Lobster’ in his final resting place on 106.7 The Fan on Friday, recognizing that the current coaching regime for the Washington Redskins could be meeting its unfortunate demise.

There’s little left to say, that hasn’t yet been said in the service already, and can’t be explained by watching the segment above, but let us all go about our day remembering him, the Red Lobster, and honoring him by living through the likeness of his everlasting spirit.

His skin was so red burgundy.

We have just so much to thank him for: Donovan McNabb. John Beck. Rex Grossman. Still Rex Grossman.

Here’s to a 24-34 record closing in on four full seasons. Couldn’t have done the ‘rebuild’ without you.

Public record of today’s service, conducted by Father Blue, and including eulogies from lifelong Redskins fan Eric Bickel, and lifelong Redskins-mocker John Auville, can be found in the audio clip at the bottom.

Photos to be added throughout the day.

And just so you don’t think we run a complete dog and pony show, here’s the script we were working from.

[CLEARS THROAT]

GOOD MORNING. MY NAME IS FATHER BLUE. WOULD EVERYONE PLEASE BE SEATED, AND WE’LL COMMENCE THE SERVICE.

[BAG PIPES PLAY AMAZING GRACE]

WE ARE GATHERED HERE TODAY, IN THE HOUSE OF RGESUS, INSIDE THE WALLS OF THIS RADIO CRUSTACEAN, SPONSORED BY MISS UTILITY, TO MOURN THE LOSS OF A VERY, VERY RED MAN; A MAN WHOSE PRIDE FOR HIS BELOVED TEAM, COULD ONLY BE OUT-DUELED BY THE HUE OF HIS WASHINGTON FOOTBALL TEAM SKIN; A MAN WITH A TRUE CONSECRATION TO POSEIDON.

HE POSSESSED A SOUL WHICH KNEW NO BOUNDS. WHEN DOUBTERS QUESTIONED HIM, HE DELIVERED US DONOVAN MCNABB. WHEN FATE APPEARED TO BE LOST, HE FOUGHT THE CURRENT, AND SET FORTH ON A RIGHTEOUS JOURNEY, BOLDLY STAKING HIS REPUTATION, ON THE ONCE-FORGOTTEN JOHN BECK. BRAVELY, HE REFUSED TO BE CONFINED BY MAN-MADE SHACKLES OF TRUTH, WHETHER SWARMED BY PUGLISTIC REPORTERS, DEMANDING TRUTH ABOUT ALBERT HAYNESWORTH, A SOUL LOST IN THE ABYSS OF CARNAL THOUGHTS AT THE W, OR POUNDING FOR ANSWERS OF THE FLESH; THE ANTERIOR CRUCIATE LIGAMENT OF OUR LORD AND SAVIOUR.

AND NOW HIS BODY IS BUT A REMINDER, THAT PRIDE, COMETH BEFORE THE CLAW. HIS SOUL SET FREE FROM WHAT HERE LIES BEFORE US … A HALLOW SHELL.

IN SURE AND CERTAIN HOPE OF THE RESURRECTION TO ETERNAL LIFE THROUGH OUR LORD RGESUS, WE COMMEND TO ALMIGHTY POSEIDEN OUR BROTHER MIKE; AND WE COMMIT HIS BODY TO THE WATERS; EARTH TO EARTH, ASHES TO ASHES, AND CRUST TO CRUST. THE LORD BLESS HIM AND KEEP HIM, THE LORD MAKE HIS FACE TO SHINE RED UPON HIM AND BE GRACIOUS UNTO HIM, THE LORD LIFT UP HIS COUNTENANCE UPON HIM AND GIVE HIM SALT. AMEN.

LET US NOW HEAR FROM OUR BRETHREN, AS ERIC BICKEL AND MONEY METAL AUVILLE READ THE EULOGIES, BEFORE WE COMMIT THIS SHELL TO THE RELENTLESS BIT OF THE SEAS, FOR ALL ETERNITY.

————– TO BE READ FOLLOWING THE EULOGIES ————–

NOW WE’LL BE TREATED TO A MUSICAL PERFORMANCE,

FROM BROTHER FLAIM.

————– TO BE READ FOLLOWING MUSICAL PERFORMANCE ————–

LET US NOW READ FROM THE RED LOBSTER’S LAST WILL AND TESTAMENT:

• MY 35,000-SQUARE-FOOT MANSION, ADORNED WITH A BOWLING ALLEY, GOLF SIMULATOR ROOM, POKER LOUNGE, TWO BRIDGES, A 3,600-SQUARE-FOOT GARAGE AND A 2,150-SQUARE-FOOT GUEST HOUSE – [READ FAST] ALL ACCORDING TO MIKE PRADA – I BEQUEATH TO PEYTON MANNING. I GET CYST.

• THE BOX OF GRAVEL, WHICH I KEEP IN MY THROAT, I BEQUEATH TO JOHN AUVILLE, THE WORLD’S GREATEST IMPRESSIONIST.

• I LEAVE ONE FIRST-ROUND PICK TO JEFF FISCHER.

• TO JIM HASLETT, I LEAVE A PINK SLIP SO PINK, MY SKIN IS JEALOUS, FOR HE, IS NOT ABOUT THAT LIFE

• AND LASTLY, I LEAVE THE HEAD COACHING POSITION TO KYLE, MY SON BY BLOOD AN LAW. WHILE MY BODY MAY BE GONE FROM THIS EARTH, NEPOTISM IS ALIVE AND WELL.

 

 

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