Sports

The Worst-of-the-Worst Junkies’ MASN Blogs

by Chris 'Blue Shorts' Lingebach
View Comments
Sports Junkies The Sports Junkies
Read More
(Credit: @TweetMaravich)

(Credit: @TweetMaravich)

HURTINGTOWN, Md. (CBSDC) – Thursday’s show brought to light the absurdity of many claims made in the Junkies’ long-lost MASN blogs, which they were commissioned to write for a two- to three-year stretch, ending about three- to four-years ago.

Since then, I’ve scoured the archives to dig up the absolute best of those since-retired blog posts, to uncover – if we knew then what we know now – the absolute worst of them.

It’s very easy to pick apart someone’s predictions years after the fact, but it’s damning when a collection of them begin to take on a general feeling of writing-words-just-to-write words.

As you may or may not be aware by now, the Junkies were paid, like real money, to write these blog posts.

It’s now up to history to decide whether those were dollars well-spent (of course it was, btw. they’re still being talked about).

Below are some headlines, which now, seem utterly laughable, accompanied by outright ridiculously hack one-liners and/or statistical analysis disproving their original claims.

Warning: upon following the links and reading a few lines in, you may feel the sudden urge to ‘bully.’

Here are the absolute worst of the worst:

Moss Will Fit in Tennessee by: Jason “Lurch” Bishop – and by ‘fit’ I’m sure he meant 8 receptions for 80 yards.

New Faces, Same Hope by: Eric “E.B.” Bickel – “One of my cohosts on The Sports Junkies, Jason Bishop (Lurch), has a $400 bet that the Wizards don’t win 40 games … The only thing we do know is they are going to be fun to watch. And I’m going to pick them to make the playoffs.” (FTR, the Wizards finished last in the Southeast division, with a 23-59 record.)

Worried About the Wizards by: J.P. Flaim – There’s nothing particularly joan-worthy about this. My only point is to show it came just 4 days after ‘New Faces, Same Hope,’ and point out that while J.P. is by far the most hated, his reason takes the long view (see also … “Don’t Hate on Harper“) and stands to cut through otherwise misplaced optimism of his co-hosts, proving, alas, he’s an integral part of the magical Junkies formula. Also though, he talks too much, and he signed it “- Glass Joe.”

Five Reasons the Redskins Can Beat the Colts by: John “Cakes” Auville – Sensing the trend, obviously you can determine the Redskins lost to the Colts (27-24). Let’s take a look at his five reasons:

  1. Donovan McNabb is heating up — He threw the ball away twice and had a passer rating of 67.5.
  2. Fed Ex Field can make a difference — Clearly not. Also, it’s FedExField.
  3. The Colts are vulnerable on the road. — Nope. They were 1-2 on the road heading into the game and finished the year 4-4 on the road. .500 is vulnerable like leaving the country makes you vulnerable.
  4. Indy can’t run the ball either — Joseph Addai put up 128 yards.
  5. Orakpo and Landry are monsters — ……..

Stupid Traditions by: Eric “E.B.” Bickel – This is just my own attempt to weave in a Mike Wise/Redskins zing.

The Whole Picture by: Eric “E.B.” Bickel – This was veiled as a Dan Snyder retrospective, but was really an excuse to talk about being interviewed by ESPN. “What really irks me (beyond my gray hair) is that ESPN virtually ignored all of these issues. It’s not like they didn’t know about them either. I told them about each one of them when they interviewed me for over an hour on Saturday.”

The J.P.P.P. by: J.P. Flaim — Ah yes, the J.P.P.P. I’ve oft-wondered why we as listeners have been saddled with such a contrived, self-obsessed, and yet indecipherable recurring segment. The answer is, he created it, wrote about it in his blog three years ago, and assumed it would live forever.

I’ve been enjoying this, and unlike J.P., I’ll assume you haven’t been, but I’ll keep digging regardless.

Testing the Always Bet Against Cakes Theory by: John “Cakes” Auville – While Cakes’ prediction of 31-21 wasn’t all that far off from nailing the final score, and while it’s very difficult to speak condescendingly about Cakes, truly the kindest human I or anyone has ever met, it can’t be overlooked that he tried to put ‘Always Bet Against Cakes’ to test … and failed.

What’s perfect about this ‘theory’ is as much as he tries to refute it, the link between cause and effect is repeatedly proves its validity. “I’ll be rooting for the Saints, but deep down, I know the Colts will win this one.”

I could pick apart the nuance of “lay the five” in a game that ended 31-17 the Saints’ favor, but truth be told, I’m not sure what laying the five really means.

Progress Report by: Jason “Lurch” Bishop – This guy is the reason quotas exist. Seriously. He couldn’t have put less effort (or words) into this.

The Favre Conundrum by: Eric “E.B.” Bickel – ” If not, go away quietly. Whatever you do Bret, don’t make this another soap opera. Nobody wants another summer of ‘As Brett Favre Turns’.” All that separated him from spelling ‘Brett Favre’ both correctly and incorrectly within two sentences is one measly consonant. Welcome to my world … bitch.

Stop Comparing Yourself to Gilbert by: Eric “E.B.” Bickel – Dan Steinberg recently wrote about Gilbert Arenas professing the Wizards paid him for what he did, not what he was “gonna” do. From EB’s blog post: “The Wizards are going to have to pay him his money. And frankly he deserves it.”

Peruse for yourself with this archive link.

View Comments
blog comments powered by Disqus
Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 1,651 other followers