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Revisiting The Junkies’ Old MASN Blogs Is Endless Entertainment

by Chris 'Blue Shorts' Lingebach
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(Credit: @TweetMaravich)

(Credit: @TweetMaravich)

WASHINGTON (CBSDC) - The fact that blogs live on the internet forever is both a blessing and a curse.

Blessing, because when the Junkies have a classic segment, thanks to the power of Google search, I know it will be easy to recall and find the audio, provided I’ve written about it in the past.

Curse, because the Junkies’ half-baked MASN blogs from four years ago are available to be judged for all eternity. And also blessing, because the Junkies’ half-baked MASN blogs from four years ago are available to be judged for all eternity.

“By the way Jason, I’m reading your blog on Hasheem Thabeet right now,” Matt Valdez said early Thursday morning.

“Yea, let’s read some of it,” Jason said.

“It’s pretty funny,” Matt said.

Lurch: What’s the opening statement?

Cakes: What’s the headline?

Valdez: The headline is, “And with the 3rd pick, the Wizards select…

Lurch: Alright. That’s a gripping title.

Valdez [sic]: I can tell you put a lot of thought into this. But the best paragraph in this has to be three or four down, its says, ‘The Wiz need Hasheem Thabeet. Never heard of him? Well he’s the best center in the country. He’s at UConn and he’s 7’3″ and about 270 pounds. Strong, athletic, a good runner for his size. A little raw offensively, but he is a late bloomer. He’s pulling down 12 boards and swatting away … four … and four away … with the best … uhhh … best conference in the country. He’s exactly what this team needs, if available.

Now to be fair, it’s always easier to poke holes in someone’s careless optimism predictions after the fact. It’s also important to point out, the Junkies were commissioned to write these blogs, forcing them, by pay, into the position of declaring their sports knowledge as being vastly superior to that of the donks reading the blogs.

That out of the way …

Here are some highlights from Bickel’s blog post entitled: “Stop Sleeping on Jason Campbell” — penned July 27, 2009. Thx to @TweetMaravich for digging it up.

  • Just because a guy doesn’t play right away or play at a high level immediately doesn’t mean he is doomed to be mediocre. It took Trent Green five years to even get on the field. He was a two-time pro bowler.
  • Chad Pennington played for seven seasons before he passed for 3200 yards. He is a two-time Comeback Player of the Year.
  • How quickly we forget that this guy starred for four years in the SEC at Auburn. (college stats are a pretty good supporting argument four years into a guy’s pro career)
  • They just need either Malcom Kelly or Devin Thomas to break through in his second year to complete an extremely capable group of receivers.
  • The Skins have a future Hall of Famer at running back in Clinton Portis, who is still 27 years old.
  • Throw in Chris Samuels at left tackle, Casey Rabach at center and Randy Thomas and you have a pretty experienced offensive line.
  • Throw in the fact that the defense was ranked #4 in yards allowed and #6 in points last season without Albert Haynewsorth. I see some short fields in the Redskins future this season. (2009 was Haynesworth’s first season in Washington. Can’t wait to see how that unfolded.)

Of course, the Redskins would go on to have a 4-12 season in 2009. Clinton Portis, a.k.a., the future Hall of Famer, played just 8 games, in which he ran for 494 yards and 1 touchdown. He would however play one more season (227 yards, 2 TDs) for the Redskins, and in the NFL before they started carving his bust in Canton.

Chris Samuels would suffer a career-ending injury. Jim Zorn would not be renewed. Jason Campbell was traded in the subsequent offseason, ushering in the Donovan McNabb era, and another golden age in Washington.

Again, in fairness, EB did say 2009 would be “Jason Campbell’s finest as a Redskin.” That much proved to be true. Can somebody let the Raiders and Bears know that?

Then there was Cakes reveling in the Penguins being down 0-2 to the Red Wings in the 2009 Stanley Cup Finals, in a piece called “Greatest Weekend Ever.”  For Cakes though, reversing the fate of any arch enemy to Washingtonians is nothing new.

Check back later as I update this story with more Junks’ blog posts.

Here’s an archive link for now if you’d like to peruse for yourself.

Update [10:31 p.m.]

After letting some time pass, I realized the idea of looking back on old blog posts with a ‘what we know now’ perspective had grabbed me beyond your typical casual encounter.

And upon following the links, I’m sure you will agree and find a sudden urge to ‘bully.’

Here are some headlines that now, seem utterly laughable, accompanied by hack one-liners or statistical analysis disproving the claim:

Moss Will Fit in Tennessee by: Jason “Lurch” Bishop – and by ‘fit’ I’m sure he meant 8 receptions for 80 yards.

New Faces, Same Hope by: Eric “E.B.” Bickel – “One of my cohosts on The Sports Junkies, Jason Bishop (Lurch), has a $400 bet that the Wizards don’t win 40 games … The only thing we do know is they are going to be fun to watch. And I’m going to pick them to make the playoffs.” (FTR, the Wizards finished last in the Southeast division, with a 23-59 record.)

Worried About the Wizards by: J.P. Flaim – There’s nothing particularly joan-worthy about this. My only point is to show it came just 4 days after ‘New Faces, Same Hope,’ and point out that while J.P. is by far the most hated, his reason takes the long view (see also … “Don’t Hate on Harper“) and stands to cut through otherwise misplaced optimism of his co-hosts, proving, alas, he’s an integral part of the magical Junkies formula. Also though, he talks too much, and he signed it “- Glass Joe.”

Five Reasons the Redskins Can Beat the Colts by: John “Cakes” Auville – Sensing the trend, obviously you can determine the Redskins lost to the Colts (27-24). Let’s take a look at his five reasons:

  1. Donovan McNabb is heating up — He threw the ball away twice and had a passer rating of 67.5.
  2. Fed Ex Field can make a difference — Clearly not. Also, it’s FedExField.
  3. The Colts are vulnerable on the road. — Nope. They were 1-2 on the road heading into the game and finished the year 4-4 on the road. .500 is vulnerable like leaving the country makes you vulnerable.
  4. Indy can’t run the ball either — Joseph Addai put up 128 yards.
  5. Orakpo and Landry are monsters — ……..

Stupid Traditions by: Eric “E.B.” Bickel – This is just my own attempt to weave in a Mike Wise/Redskins zing.

The Whole Picture by: Eric “E.B.” Bickel – This was veiled as a Dan Snyder retrospective, but was really an excuse to talk about being interviewed by ESPN. “What really irks me (beyond my gray hair) is that ESPN virtually ignored all of these issues. It’s not like they didn’t know about them either. I told them about each one of them when they interviewed me for over an hour on Saturday.”

The J.P.P.P. by: J.P. Flaim — Ah yes, the J.P.P.P. I’ve oft-wondered why we as listeners have been saddled with such a contrived, self-obsessed, and yet indecipherable recurring segment. The answer is, he created it, wrote about it in his blog three years ago, and assumed it would live forever.

I’ve been enjoying this, and unlike J.P., I’ll assume you haven’t been, but I’ll keep digging regardless.

Testing the Always Bet Against Cakes Theory by: John “Cakes” Auville – While Cakes’ prediction of 31-21 wasn’t all that far off from nailing the final score, and while it’s very difficult to speak condescendingly about Cakes, truly the kindest human I or anyone has ever met, it can’t be overlooked that he tried to put ‘Always Bet Against Cakes’ to test … and failed.

What’s perfect about this ‘theory’ is as much as he tries to refute it, the link between cause and effect is repeatedly proves its validity. “I’ll be rooting for the Saints, but deep down, I know the Colts will win this one.”

I could pick apart the nuance of “lay the five” in a game that ended 31-17 the Saints’ favor, but truth be told, I’m not sure what laying the five really means.

Progress Report by: Jason “Lurch” Bishop – This guy is the reason quotas exist. Seriously. He couldn’t have put less effort (or words) into this.

The Favre Conundrum by: Eric “E.B.” Bickel – ” If not, go away quietly. Whatever you do Bret, don’t make this another soap opera. Nobody wants another summer of ‘As Brett Favre Turns’.” All that separated him from spelling ‘Brett Favre’ both correctly and incorrectly within two sentences is one measly consonant. Welcome to my world … bitch.

Stop Comparing Yourself to Gilbert by: Eric “E.B.” Bickel – Dan Steinberg recently wrote about Gilbert Arenas professing the Wizards paid him for what he did, not what he was “gonna” do. From EB’s blog post: “The Wizards are going to have to pay him his money. And frankly he deserves it.”

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