WASHINGTON — I am on the record saying I don’t believe the Washington Redskins should change their name, even though some clearly find the term “Redskins” offensive. We will just have to agree to disagree on that one I guess. But I do want to try and live for a day when I offend no one. Surely I can do that pretty easily. Right?
The first thing I need to do is find a way to work. I love my car.
It’s an amazing vehicle. But it is an import, and I don’t want to upset the hard-working union people who produce perfectly great American cars. I also don’t want to upset the “green” folks who are offended by all my gas-guzzling ways. Next time I guess I need to consider a hybrid.
I could call Uber and arrange a ride, but then I’d be offending all the cab drivers who are upset with the competition from the Uber people.
I guess I could call my radio partner J.P. and ask for a ride. He actually owns a hybrid and we’d be carpooling. That would be a heavenly scenario for all my environmentally conscious friends. But maybe I shouldn’t use the term “heaven.” I don’t want to offend any agnostics or atheists.
The downside to asking J.P. for a ride is he’d have to leave his house approximately 15 minutes earlier, which would in theory cause him to get up 15 minutes earlier, which in turn would cause him to go to bed 15 minutes earlier, which could possibly offend his wife. Maybe it would be OK just this one time.
Doing the show itself will take some adjustments if I don’t want to offend. I probably will have to address my co-host Cakes with his given name, John. I don’t want to upset any of the gluten-free folks that listen to the show and can’t eat cake.
Lurch will have to be “Jason” for a day. I don’t want to upset tall people or fans of The Adams Family.
My producers all need name changes. Valdez will have to be “Matt Myers.” His nickname “Valdez” is in reference to his penchant for being environmentally unfriendly, wasting paper every day. “Drab T-shirt” is no good because I don’t want to upset those people who are color blind. “Ewadd” won’t work for our video producer because the word “wad” could be some sort of sexual reference that could be considered offensive.
I think “E.B.” and “J.P.” are usable nicknames, although to be safe maybe I should just stay away from nicknames in general. Plus our parents probably prefer for us to use our birth names “Eric” and “John-Paul” anyway. God knows we don’t want to upset our parents. Scratch that. Some people don’t believe in God. Heaven knows? No? Well, you know what I mean.
It will be difficult, but I will try not to hang up on any dumb callers during the show. Wait—not “dumb”—maybe “challenged” callers would be a better way to phrase it. I don’t want to hurt their feelings and hang up on them until they finish their point. For one show I think I can do this.
If we were truly going to try to be non-offensive, we probably should cut down on all show prep material for the day. No more notebooks with all our stories printed out. Since we all use computers during the show, an email with links to all the stories should suffice. Now the downside is we are consuming a lot of electricity by using so many computers. Maybe I’ll buy recycled paper and turn off the computers.
Except we need one up and running for call screening purposes. That should be better though. I hope no one is offended.
Now I know Sheryl Crow has suggested that we each use only one square of toilet paper per “serious” trip to the bathroom. That’s bad news for Jason and me, who have been known to have a wave at work. If I fast the day before, I should be able to dodge that one though. Cross your fingers. Although is crossing your fingers offensive to witches? Scratch that then. Just in case.
It’s actually a little harder than I thought. Maybe I’ll just give up. Although I don’t want to quit. That would insult people who like to finish tasks. To be continued then. Maybe.