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Cakes’ Transaction Addiction Has Ruined ‘The Fan’tasy Football

by Chris 'Blue Shorts' Lingebach
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Screenshot of Lurch's fantasy team. (Credit: @ChrisKinard)

Screenshot of Lurch’s fantasy team. (Credit: @ChrisKinard)

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WASHINGTON (CBSDC) - There’s been an ongoing problem plaguing fantasy football leagues within the 106.7 The Fan walls for years, and the source of that problem, which, up to this point has gone unaddressed, rhymes with snakes, flakes, lakes and rakes.

John ‘Money Metal Cakes’ Auville, otherwise known as the root of all evil.

His infatuation with making transactions has already driven one competitor from current and future participation in what’s typically associated with being a fun, competitive, team-building affair in most workplaces.

“He’s ruined every single fantasy football league I’ve ever been in with his incessant, ego-maniacal transactions, which he blames on his poor son, and has done since his son was eight or nine years old,” 106.7 The Fan host Chad Dukes told me exclusively.

Surely it can’t be that bad though, Chad.

“He drove me from the sport,” Dukes said. “He actually is the reason I quit fantasy football, because of his nonsense.”

I sat down with The Fan’s program director, Chris Kinard, who’s been in leagues with JAWN for so long it predates the Junkies on HFS, and who is currently in a league with him and twelve other Fan employees.

So just how rampant has Cakes’ addiction to add/drop players become?

At the time of our interview – just after week three of the NFL season – he’d already amassed fourteen roster moves, according to Kinard.

“If he wins, I will quit fantasy for the rest of my life,” Kinard said adamantly. “If he wins because he just sits there and makes six moves every week, I’m done.”

“I’m going to lose to him this week because he’s a maniac; because he’s home by eleven and has all day,” Kinard ranted, as if he’d been awaiting this interview his entire adult life. “I’m going to lose to him because he stopped running marathons. He stopped running marathons, and started just doing fantasy football all day to fill his day up, rather than running with Chris Farley. And now that means I’m going to lose this week’s game.”

In case you’re suspicious of Cakes’ overbearing fantasy activity as being anything less than full-blown addiction, consider after three weeks, he’s already turned over three separate defenses, three separate quarterbacks, and at least two separate kickers. KICKERS.

“He’s going to get to triple digits probably,” Kinard noted. “He’ll get to over a hundred moves by the end of the season probably.”

In this league alone, Cakes has had more transactions than the top five teams in the standings … combined. By point of comparison, Eric Bickel, lazy, has made exactly zero transactions.

“I love Cakes, but he’s unbelievable,” Kinard said. “He sits there all day making fantasy moves, and it’s not fair to people who have real lives.”

“I just feel like I need to like take time off from work or something to be able to keep up with what he’s doing,” he said of the man who works four hours a day, as he came into some sort of state of self-realization.

Cakes has even picked up AND dropped Terrelle Pryor twice. That’s one quarterback … added and dropped … twice in three weeks.

“He’s also posting topics,” he said. “I don’t understand. Who does that? He’s posting in the message board. Who does that??”

Although it’s hard for most to believe the level to which Martin Auville has fallen, his co-workers, who, at this point are more like family – albeit, family members who openly mock each other publicly – still care for him.

“I do love Cakes,” Kinard expressed. “I love him so much.”

“He should be locked up,” Dukes said.

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