Mama Grizzly Update: Time for the Glue Factory

by Blue Shorts
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Mama Grizzly just being nubbs : (Credit: Matt Valdez)

Mama Grizzly just being nubbs : (Credit: Matt Valdez)

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WASHINGTON (CBSDC) - Today’s a sad day in the world of horse racing, and by sad I mean happy.

Mama Grizzly has run her final race for Rickshop Racing, and quite possibly (hopefully), ever.

Let’s look back on the brilliant career of a horse that captured the hearts and wallets of so many unsuspecting suckers.

It’s fairly phenomenal actually, how Drab and Valdez’s myopia not only lost them a large chunk of change, but also burned holes in the pockets of so many innocent schmucks at the track, who saw Mama Grizz as the favorite and decided to bet on a sure thing.

Only problem is, she was only the favorite (countless times) because of Junkies listeners – with a supreme love for the show – who kept sacrificing their dollars by betting her to top billing.

So what actually happened, in what would end up being her final race, that caused the owners at RR to pull the plug?

Lurch: Do you have the order of finish in front of you? The names of the horses?

Drab: Yea I do.

Lurch: In front of you, right?

Drab: Yep.

Lurch: Alright, so there were seven horses?

Drab: Seven horses.

Lurch: Alright, who won?

Drab: Pilgrim’s Easel

Lurch: Who came in second?

Drab: JK Sapphire

Lurch: Who came in third?

Drab: Jeannie’s Fortune

Lurch: Keep going.

Drab: Condoleezza

Lurch: Alright, now you’re down to fifth. Go ahead.

Drab: Mama Grizzly.

EB: Fifth? Ohhhh, one out of the money! Oh, so you had a little sweat?

Drab: No, well there was about a half a mile when she was in second place.

EB: And then what happened?

Drab: She did the Mama Grizzly special.

Lurch: Typical. She dies.

Drab: She dies, yea.

EB: Well maybe your nubb rider isn’t going to the whip enough.

Drab: No, he’s beating the ess out of it.

Valdez: She has welts on her ass!

The Matts first purchased Mama Grizzly for $6,000, at a cost of approximately $1,300 per month to stable her, so over the course of two months (June 21 – Aug. 21), they’re looking at a total initial investment of $8,600.

Through seven starts for the boys, she finished in 4th-Place (3x), 5th-Place (1x) and anywhere from sixth through eighth and out of the money (3x).

Earnings included $360 for 4th-Place finishes, an undisclosed amount for 5th-Place finishes (so let’s assume $200) and $100 for any finish worse than fifth, as consolation for showing up.

It’s important to mention, MG did finish first once, when she was forced to re-qualify in order to continue to race, after being re-classified three times for poor performance.

They’ll probably sell her for roughly $1,000 to an Amish farmer, making the entire project a negative investment of about $6,020.

They surprisingly weren’t all that angry about in on the Junkies Friday morning, though.

Valdez: Honestly if you see a horse running down to like Candy Kitchen on Coastal Highway, it’s probably our horse.

Cakes: I’m guessing it wouldn’t be running. It would probably be limping.

EB: If you see the horse, would you recommend that somebody kindly hit it?

Valdez: I swear to God. The only race I’d be happy with …

Lurch: They want the horse to die.

Valdez: … is if there was a slaughter-house at the finish line.

To be fair, they were sold on a horse that was coming off a hot streak in the months of January through March, earning her previous owner $12,420 during that span.

Gotta wonder why Mama Grizzly was sitting on the bench for three months before being acquired by Rickshop Racing. It’s almost like the previous owner knew something they didn’t.

Who could have seen this coming?

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