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Lurch Asks ‘What Will Make My Life Happy?’ En Route to Startling Revelation

by Blue Shorts
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Lurch just wants to be as happy as Russian President Vladimir Putin, seen here playing with his adorable dogs in the snow, rather than asking the meaning of life. (Credit: Alexsey Druginyn/AFP/Getty Images)

Lurch just wants to be as happy as Russian President Vladimir Putin, seen here playing with his adorable dogs in the snow, rather than asking the meaning of life. (Credit: Alexsey Druginyn/AFP/Getty Images)

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WASHINGTON (CBSDC) - Some of the best sports talk radio segments in morning drive are those which extend beyond what the latest notable person thinks about the Redskins’ name change debate, or why an MLB manager wants to slit his wrists – basically, topics that have nothing to do with sports.

That’s where the Junkies come in, and why on this day, Jason Bishop is king (and really always has been within the confines of Ashburn).

You see, Lurchy is now 43-years-old, has consistently expressed signs of being in the throes of a midlife crisis, like when he inexplicably grew out his hair, and now has two kids on the verge of adolescence, and then high school, and his wife has braces.

We all struggle to find the meaning of life, and sometimes it helps in our ongoing pursuit to regain the bliss of our youth, to find little things to keep our minds off the short, fleeting amount of time we have left between now and the end of days.

Fortunately, the Junks have a diehard fanbase that’s loyal and cares enough, to assist in answering these little life questions on a daily basis.

So let’s explore what prompted Jason Bishop’s latest cry for help Tuesday morning: “What will make my life happy?”

 JP: “The major revelation is, you are seriously considering adding to the Bishop family…”

Lurch: “My wife and I have been thinking about it for the last few months. Not getting any younger. I’m certainly not getting any younger. Life is short. Valdez, Drab, I think it’s time … to get a dog.”

Lurch: “My wife and I have been talking about getting a puppy here for the last few months. The kids have been begging for it and they’re spoiled little brats. But to see their eyes light up giving them a puppy I think would be priceless. So I think that now it’s just a matter of finding the right dog. Finding the perfect dog for the family, for the kids. Do I get a rescue? Do I get a puppy? Do I get a smaller dog? Do I get a bigger dog?”

Lurch: “I don’t want just suggestions on what type of dog to get, first of all, I want you to tell me if I should get a dog. Is the juice worth the squeeze? And then if you think it is, then you tell me what kind of dog to get. What will make my life happy?”

These are all great questions, questions which could drastically reduce the strain on those midlife concerns, or if nothing else, delay the inevitable. But now Jason needs your help. He outlined his demands in the segment below, and needs the help of the listener in the decision-making process.

Because after all, the Junkies lives wouldn’t be the same without their listeners.

Please help him answer the following questions, before he does something drastic, like purchasing a Ferrari or dumping his money into a pyramid scheme.

What kind of dog should Jason get?

What kind of dog will best help him forget that his body is quickly withering away, and that none of this really matters?

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