EB, we’ve gathered here today to talk about your problem.
“He couldn’t tweet because the service was awful,” Valdez spoke of EB’s ‘problem’ during the Maryland game. “He was on monkey tilt the entire game.”
Remember, we’re all here because we love you. What we’re about to say we’re saying because we care for your well-being and we want you to get better. It’s important for you to know that this is a safe place.
“You looked like a crackhead last night who couldn’t get his fix on Twitter,” Valdez continued.
This didn’t happen overnight. It’s a pattern that’s been growing over time and we have to intervene.
“Can’t you enjoy a game without Twitter?” JP asked.
We’re worried if we don’t do something, you’ll harm yourself. That you won’t stop until it kills you.
“He asked me about ten times ‘Hey, do you have service? How’s your service?’ Valdez said, tortured emotionally.
We’ve all heard the excuses.
“I like to tweet photos from the games,” EB explained, overlooking the real issue. “I like to interact.”
The point is, it’s time you admit you have a problem.
“I’ve never seen someone so addicted to Twitter in my life,” Valdez said, clearly fearful for his friend.
And when you’re on it, you’re just not the same person we all fell in love with.
“I remember a party at my mom’s house where he literally was on the phone the entire time,” JP said.
EB, you’re on a collision course. And it has to stop.
“That’s where I get my information,” EB clamored. “That’s where we interact with the peeps!”
It started off as something cool we’d do on the weekends. But then ‘we’ grew up. ‘We’ realized we have jobs, kids … a life. ‘We’ were able to prioritize our lives. But not everyone can do that.
“How much would someone have to pay you to quit Twitter?” Cakes asked, hoping to reach him on a financial level.
“I love Twitter,” EB begged … pleaded. “Cakes, I love Twitter. That’s where I get my information! That’s where we interact with the peeps!”
There is no ‘we’ anymore.
“You have to delete Twitter from your life,” Cakes said, realizing reasoning was no longer a viable way out for his addict friend.
“For how long?” EB asked.
“Permanently,” Cakes admitted.
“Maybe I could do it through Facebook,” he reasoned one last time. “I could kinda cheat.”
“That’s a little sad, EB.”
Yes it is, Drab.
Yes it is.
Listen to the intervention here…
Note to readers: You must realize this is a trying time for him. He’s surrounded by his closest friends and family right now, insulated from the hundreds of adoring fans. If you really care about him, you’ll realize the importance of not enabling his negative behavior.
If you want to show your support, you can Tweet the Hashtag: #WeCryForEB
Man, if we got that trending in DC, wouldn’t that be something? To restore a man’s faith in the world?
He won’t Tweet you back, but he’ll feel the force of hundreds standing behind him.
And remember to search the #WeCryForEB hashtag and Retweet others to help spread the message.
We can’t beat this together!!!!