by Blue Shorts

The Junkies have a wonderful life and deservedly so.

They’ve slaved away four hours a day for YEARS, building a rabid fan base that keeps them atop the ratings and lines their pockets in the process.

For these reasons, it’s easy to understand how much of a hassle it could be to trade your dark, gloomy workspace in for sunny Florida for a few days.

First off, you have to leave lovely, wintry Washington, D.C.

This place is magical right now.

Second, it’s not like you get to see the countryside, because you’re flying.

So instead of staring at dead space for twelve hours, taking in the sights, your company has the *audacity to forgo that memorable experience by forcing you onto a three-hour flight. No sights. No bathroom stops. It’s over before it even started.

And lastly, who honestly wants to talk sports while staring out across a baseball diamond; the warm Florida sun rising to expose a morning dew, as it glistens atop the rich, freshly seeded Bermuda grass?

It’s like, come on. Inspire me.

These crippling conditions make it easy to understand the heavy burden of covering the Washington Nationals from their Spring Training home in Viera, Florida, which the Junkies will be tasked with next Wednesday and Thursday.

I think I’d honestly rather be digging ditches.

Also easily understandable, is how a conversation discussing rental cars could be the most pressing issue the moment the microphones went on Wednesday morning.

Lurch: What type of car are we gonna have?

Drab: Right now it’s a Ford Fusion.

EB: That’s like BUTT SMALL! That’s butt small.

Drab: Ok, but here’s the thing. There’s two cars because there’s two shows going down, so it may not be as packed as you think.

Lurch: Let me just tell you this, if I feel cramped in the car, I’m renting my own car.

Cakes: Oh, you’ll feel cramped, look at you.

EB: Hold on, so Danny and Holden are going?

Drab: I fibbed a little bit, because there’s nine of us total.

JP: That’s fine.

EB: It’s not!

JP: Five in one car, four in the other.

EB: You don’t understand, that’s nine suitcases! Cakes brings a suitcase the size of Rhode Island!

Cakes: I’m going to bring a small suitcase, but I am going to check that blinky because I don’t like just going on the airplane lugging a hundred things.

JP: Can you PLEASE save your complaining for next week?

Lurch: No.


Lurch: Just because you don’t want us to, then I’m going to complain about it.

EB: Here’s what you don’t understand. See, if you talk about it, you can address some of the issues before they occur. In other words, Drab should right now, like during the commercial break rent a bigger vehicle. I mean, there’s no Ford Fusion for nine people. What is this the circus?!

Drab: I’ve already addressed it with CK.

EB: And what did he say?

Drab: He said I think we can fit.

EB: Is he even going to be there?

Drab: Yea, he’ll be there.

EB: Oh my God.

Lurch: Purposely I’m going to take three huge duffel bags.

On top of ALL of that, they have to endure open clubhouse access to what will probably be Major League Baseball’s best team in 2013.

Like I said, you can understand their resistance.

*[Original print had the word ‘tenacity’ in place of ‘audacity’ which was idiotic, so I changed it after being called out.]

The Junkies climbing out of their rental car in Florida. (Credit: JOHN THYS/AFP/Getty Images)

The Junkies climbing out of their rental car in Florida. (Credit: JOHN THYS/AFP/Getty Images)


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