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Junkies: Farting at Thirty-Thousand Feet May Save Your Life

by Blue Shorts
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LANHAM, Md. (CBSDC) - ‘Passing gas’ is disgusting.

And there’s nothing worse than when someone does it in a room full of people trapped in close quarters.

There’s something inside someone that just wreaks of evil when they make a conscious decision to smother strangers with their filth.

But there is no setting that leaves you more vulnerable to such an atrocity than being stranded at 30,000 feet, trapped within the confines of a giant Pringle’s can as it glides through the air, doing what is does best: containing.

Imagine sitting on a plane. You’re watching the clouds float by, and as you take in a deep breath to begin a relaxing sigh of relief – celebrating that you’re not dead yet – you can sense something has gone awry.

It takes a second to process what’s happening.

It’ ALWAYS takes a second.

When you realize the brutality that has just imposed its will upon you, you think to yourself: ‘I’d rather die than have to sit in this right now.’

Pure panic sets in as the ramifications come at you like waves.

Your ship is sinking in an ocean of toxic gas.

Hours. It will take hours before you get out! Slow and painful death.

As it turns out, you weren’t far from the life and death scenario you built up in your mind.

“A new study does find that breaking wind while one is flying is healthy and recommended,” JP said.

“Healthy for who?” Cakes asked. “Not the people sitting around you?”

“Holding back holds significant drawbacks for the individuals, such as discomfort, and even pain, bloating, indigestion, and heartburn just to name a few resulting abdominal symptoms,”

“And much like Byron Leftwich said back in the day ‘If I hold it in it’s gon’ come out my mouf’ with the ‘f’ at the end,” Cakes imitated. “That’s exactly what he said.”

JP went on because he loves to talk.

“Despite giving the all clear for passengers to just let it go, researchers warn that pilots shouldn’t let one rip while in the cockpit. On the other hand, if the pilot restrains [the gas] all the drawbacks previously mentioned, including impaired concentration, may affect his abilities to control the plane.”

“Are candles allowed in the cockpit?” EB asked.

“No smoking. No fire.” Lurch responded.

“Ok, but he’s the pilot.” EB pleaded.

“Ok, but they’re not going to light a fire in the cockpit,“ Lurch argued.

There’s already enough anxiety involved in flight, without factoring in that your pilot now has to gauge whether its his life he saves or everyone else’s, and even then he still may not have done the math right.

Personally, I’ll never fly again after hearing this.

What about you?


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