Twitter provides a service which allows you to boast your popularity long after your high school days are over.
Over time, this customizable social network has carved its value into both pop culture and everyday life, even taking the place of legitimate news organizations as the premier source for breaking world news.
If your life is all about placing a number on your self-worth, Twitter was built with you in mind.
But what if it didn’t have to end at last breath?
“EB, you love Twitter,” JP said. “Do you care about Tweeting when your heart stops beating?”
“What?!” Cakes asked. “That’s a good slug line actually.”
“Yea, not interested,” EB returned.
“A new application will soon allow users to keep posting Twitter updates from beyond the grave, independently using intricate knowledge of your online character to create a virtual continuation of your personality after you die,” JP explained.
“Unless my Twitter account when I’m dead is speaking the truth, like, ‘I’m so bitter right now. This sucks [redacted],’” EB retorted.
“Worms are crawling in my eye,” Valdez squeezed in.
“Or ‘God dying sucks!’ I mean if it’s not something like that. Not interested,” Bickel concluded.
“So this is going to be launched in March,” JP went on… and on… and on and on. “It’s called the ‘Lives On’ app. And it’ll keep Tweeting after you pass on. It’ll utilize advanced analysis of your main Twitter feed to carefully select appropriate subjects, likes or articles that would have been likely to interest you, and post them on behalf of your friends to read.”
“EB, your big problem is you’re getting cremated. Like at least if you’re getting buried, you could have been buried with your AT&T with you in the hopes you can still Tweet in the afterlife. But the cremation … done! Can’t do it!” Cakes added.
“EB, if you die before me; unfollowing you!” Cakes zinged. “I’m unfollowing your dead profile. Sorry!”
And let’s be honest: I think we all know which of the Junks would be most interested in this app.