Jone On A Junk: The Junk Most Likely to Tweet After Death

by: Blue Shorts
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Twitter provides a service which allows you to boast your popularity long after your high school days are over.

Over time, this customizable social network has carved its value into both pop culture and everyday life, even taking the place of legitimate news organizations as the premier source for breaking world news.

It can create a false sense of celebrity for even the biggest of donks, help you interact with adult film stars, and can even kill someone before they’re dead.

If your life is all about placing a number on your self-worth, Twitter was built with you in mind.

Related: Film Star Asa Akira In-Studio with the Junkies

Thousands of years from now, when historians are researching how to become the most popular person of all time, the first place they’ll look is your Twitter bio.

They’ll dig up tweet #1 and won’t stop processing your greatness, keeping a detailed ledger until they’ve reached your bitter, Twitter end.

But what if it didn’t have to end at last breath?

“EB, you love Twitter,” JP said. “Do you care about Tweeting when your heart stops beating?”

“What?!” Cakes asked. “That’s a good slug line actually.”

“Yea, not interested,” EB returned.

“A new application will soon allow users to keep posting Twitter updates from beyond the grave, independently using intricate knowledge of your online character to create a virtual continuation of your personality after you die,” JP explained.

“Unless my Twitter account when I’m dead is speaking the truth, like, ‘I’m so bitter right now. This sucks [redacted],’” EB retorted.

“Worms are crawling in my eye,” Valdez squeezed in.

“Or ‘God dying sucks!’ I mean if it’s not something like that. Not interested,” Bickel concluded.

“So this is going to be launched in March,” JP went on… and on… and on and on. “It’s called the ‘Lives On’ app. And it’ll keep Tweeting after you pass on. It’ll utilize advanced analysis of your main Twitter feed to carefully select appropriate subjects, likes or articles that would have been likely to interest you, and post them on behalf of your friends to read.”

“EB, your big problem is you’re getting cremated. Like at least if you’re getting buried, you could have been buried with your AT&T with you in the hopes you can still Tweet in the afterlife.  But the cremation … done! Can’t do it!” Cakes added.

“EB, if you die before me; unfollowing you!” Cakes zinged. “I’m unfollowing your dead profile. Sorry!”

Is this finally the innovation to extend the perfect legacy? Or just a morbid novelty preying on people obsessed with death?

And let’s be honest: I think we all know which of the Junks would be most interested in this app.

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