What happens when the ultimate movie fanboy obsesses his way up the entertainment ladder and into the same room as the very stars that drive his obsession?
You get budding star movie reviewer, Kevin McCarthy.
His career started as a joke; a complete sideshow.
After meeting Kevin as a young pimply faced intern, the Junkies first brought him on the air to exploit his uncontrollable OCD, a plan thinly veiled as an invitation to review movies.
Ironically enough, the Junkies now get to watch him on the television while they’re on the air:
“They just showed him and credited him ‘Kevin McCarthy: Founder of NearTears.com’ like he’s the CEO of Netflix or something! What is happening?!” Cakes exclaimed.
“You know what? God bless him. I hope he makes a billion dollars,” E.B. conceded. “He should be getting a ton of hits on his website. If you go on a national – now it’s cable – but a national cable website and they’re plugging your website?!”
“I’m guessing Fox and Friends in the morning has about a million viewers,” J.P. said.
“A MILLION VIEWERS!” E.B. shouted obnoxiously. “His Twitter followers have got to be going up. Is he plugging that?”
“I don’t know about that, I stopped following him.” Valdez joned.
“He’s at 9,091,” Cakes informed.
“See nobody cares about him,” E.B. convinced himself.
“No they do because, and he’s going to be mad that I said this,” Drab added. “But he told me a week ago and this was the ultimate Big Time, that the segment before him has [redacted] viewers and when he goes on its [redacted] viewers.”
“See, we know him so he annoys us and his personality annoys us because we’ve known him for 15 years.” Lurch said. “But the women, the house fraus at home, they love him. And they love the shtick with the movie tickets with Bruce Willis.”
“But I think that can only go so far,” E.B. said. “He can’t be fanboy every time he interviews these guys. He can’t be a fan boy for 35 years.”
But can he?
The fascinating truth about Kevin rings true just as much today as it did seven years ago.
No one can agree which overpowering trait – his magnetic personality, encyclopedic knowledge of movies, love for childish words (see also… momma, doodie) or endearing quality of his incurably defective brain – has him breaching the perimeter of wild success and endless riches.
Maybe it’s just the perfect combination of the four.
And his obsessive nature may have him driving in U-turns for an hour looking for a body in the road that doesn’t exist.
But it also drives him to a theater at midnight for his second viewing of a movie – knowing the credits will roll just hours before his next TV appearance – just to catch that one, minute detail he may or may not have missed the first time around.
One thing everyone can agree on: there’s something about Kevin McCarthy that just … works.
Follow Kevin McCarthy on Twitter.