Life is all about taking credit for the things you can’t control, which is why the battle of who shares a birthday with better celebrities waged so heavily Wednesday morning on the Junkies.
Eric Bickel, lamenting his 43rd birthday on the show, drew pride from being born on the same date in history as Babe Ruth, Ronald Reagan, Axl Rose and Aaron Burr.
Wait. Aaron Burr?
“Remember Aaron Burr, the guy that got in the duel?” EB asked.
“I don’t remember him because I asked you who Aaron Burr was,” Cakes answered.
“How do you remember him and not the first president?” Valdez joned.
“Because I did a report on Alexander Hamilton one year,” EB responded.
That makes sense. He’s 43-years-old and remembers Burr from a project he did in high school.
As long as we’re assuming sharing a birthday with Kris Humphries means EB also somehow splits qualities with the Brooklyn Nets star, for the sake of the argument, let’s try to muster a Junkies power ranking based on who shares a birthday with the best collection of stars.
The parameters will be set at five celebrities born on the same date as a junk, and the pros and cons of sharing that birthday.
Let’s call it …I don’t know … Jone On A Junk.
E.B. – February 6th
Babe Ruth – The greatest baseball player to ever swing a bat.
Axl Rose – One of the most recognizable rock stars in the history of music, also a noted narcissist who’s reportedly impossible to deal with. Interesting parallel.
Ronald Reagan – Two-term president. Also had that whole Berlin Wall thing. You want him on your side.
Bob Marley – Musician with the Whalers who transcended music as a cultural icon. Marijuana. See? You can’t say the word without thinking Marley.
Kris Humphries – Although he has reeled in over $17 million in his basketball career, EB would have to acknowledge sharing a level of stupidity with Kris for being duped into a sham wedding with Kim Kardashian.
Honorable Mention: Zsa Zsa Gabor, only because E.B. actually mentioned Zsa Zsa Gabor. Tom Brokaw, a “Butt-bright young man.”
Lurch – May 4th
Audrey Hepburn – The queen of acting and class…like 60 years ago. Who cares?
Rory McIlroy – Young stud attracting young audiences back to golf. Just signed to Nike. Has a commercial with Tiger Woods.
Erin Andrews – Smoke show. She became a household name after the hotel camera incident. Now has endorsement deals and lingers in every 40-year-old male’s fantasy.
Randy Travis – Probably loves Bonefish.
Will Arnett – That guy nobody remembers from Saturday Night Live.
Honorable Mention: Lance Bass
Cakes – August 19th
Bill Clinton – A legend to dudes everywhere.
John Stamos – Uncle Jesse. The Rippers. Hot. Always there for his family.
Orville Wright – The first in flight! The Junkies literally couldn’t fly to their remote vacation destinations without this guy.
Kyra Sedgwick – She’s Rafael Soriano. The closer.
Fred Thompson – Who doesn’t remember his epic run for the presidency in 2008? Played the president on TV so he thought he could be the president. Great sense of humor.
Honorable Mention: Nate Dogg (R.I.P.), Fat Joe and Johnny Drama.
John-Paul – October 28th
Bill Gates – Computers. Steve Jobs before Steve Jobs was Steve Jobs.
Julia Roberts – Pretty woman. My Best Friend’s Wedding. Ocean’s Eleven. She’s just full of hits.
Joaquin Phoenix – (see also…We Own The Night, opening scene).
Jonas Salk – JP’s basically responsible for curing polio.
Boy, this is an incredible list. It would be a shame if the bottom fell ou…
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad – You’re finished. DQ’d.
Honorable Mention: There are no honorable mentions after you draw Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.
Junkies Birthday Power Rankings:
1. Cakes – I’ve got to believe pop-culture references would be dramatically inferior today without his entire list, and again, that whole flying thing. References are zingers. Zingers are the show. This is perfect.
2. E.B. – This list is really strong and was a close contender for the top spot, but fell apart when E.B. starting making a case for it with Kris Humphries and Aaron Burr.
3. Lurch – If Lurch was in charge of the rankings, McIlroy and this list would be #1, but he doesn’t know how to use a computer.
4. J.P. – Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.
Happy Birthday Eric Bickel. Here’s the only gift you care about.